It's been a great Christmas. I'm so blessed to have a family that loves me & to have parents who can provide me with so much. Its hard to imagine that our country is in desperate times & that people don't have jobs right now & can't even afford to live in a house. Yet, I am blessed to go to an expensive school, live in a nice house, travel to my grandma's, get amazing gifts, and simply do things that not that many people can do. God has blessed me and I am never grateful enough.

- can't stop thinking of this summer & how close I was to God. Malibu was the best experience of my life and brought me so close to what I never realized I didn't have. Being a Christian is so hard, and yet so simple at the same time. But I have clearly struggled with it way too much. The bible verse about 'being in the world but not of it' consistently pops up in my head and makes me realize how I just gave up on that. I mean, I'd like to say I tried, but I can't lie to myself. I mean I certainly haven't gone crazy like some people I know, but it doesn't make me better than anyone else if I'm still drinking or doing whatever is compromising the morals I've stood for and maintained my entire life. I never realized how close I was to a relationship until I really fell out of one. I've struggled my whole life with what I thought was the lack of a relationship, but in reality it was just building me up for recognizing the lack of.

All I can think of is the times I felt hopeless & alone, crying out for someone to answer my prayers. For God to answer my prayers. But I realize now it was all sort of a test. I would be such a different person without everything I've been through. So different I probably wouldn't even know myself. I've learned to cope with the situations I've been in, and its made me a stronger, more confident, more outgoing, and overall better person. God has brought me this far & I know that he's going to bring me through the rest, well I sincerely hope. All I need to do is try to find my summer love and regain my relationship. I've put everything before Him & that needs to change. No more relationship on the backburner.

Things are going to change.

John 3:16... Who wouldn't want to change?

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays...

Everytime I say those words it makes me think of the 'N Sync song.. It makes me so happy because it makes me think of simple times. When I was younger and everything was so much easier to deal with. Where the only problems were what game you were gonna play at recess. Drugs were prescription. Broken Hearts didn't exist. Love was a distant fantasy. Everything was just easy. Now, life is so different. I'm faced with so much more than I ever thought I could bear. But it's because I've been through so much that I am able to stand up under the pressure.

College is great. I love my boyfriend. My family, although sometimes difficult, is still behind me all the way :)

2009 has been quite a year... It's pretty ridiculous honestly. I graduated from high school. Had the best summer of my life. Started college. Got a boyfriend. Learned what it's like to live on my own. I've been through heartache, love, happiness, sadness, excitement, depression, thrills, and more.

And I can confidently say I'm ready for a new year. It's been full of so much craziness, and I'm ready for at least a theoretical "new beginning."

You know, I've always made New Year's Resolutions, but this year i'm going to set some goals. and I intend to actually keep them..

Well good night..

And in the words of Tiny Tim
"God bless them, every one.."

and I mean it :)

what do i do..

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when u hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to ur heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch u sleep..wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,who wants to show you off to the whole world, who holds ur hand infront of his friends, who thinks ur jst as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding u of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you..."

But it should also say...
who will respect you when you ask him to stop bugging you, who will respect you asking him to leave and let you figure out your thoughts, who won't smother you, who won't do PDA in public if you're uncomfortable with it, who won't let things get too serious too quick, who won't pressure her EVER, who won't get jealous over stupid things, who will allow her to be her own person, who won't try to control her, who will let her make her own decisions, no matter how pissed he is he'll NEVER take it out on her or hurt her, who feels like he doesn't deserve her and actually acts like it, who will let things happen as they will.

i don't know if i love him. but i can't take us not talking. he's so much more of a best friend than a boyfriend. and i love that and dont want to lose it. i dont know what to do. i dont have anything figured out. this is the first time. you expect so much of me, and i let you down because what you want is currently unattainable. you pressure me, but i cant, dont know what to do, and dont want to. i am new, not the old one. totally different, yet i feel like you treat it the same. but right now, everything is feeling wrong. jealousy. pressure. ignorance. expectations. different morals. different standards. just different.

before everything seemed so good. but as we go on i feel like im somehow blamed for everything. like everything is on me to not screw this up but no one is perfect. i cant handle taking care of you, when i can barely take care of myself. maturity. you want it, but we're so young. its too hard to plan anything. the future is unpredictable.

im sorry. but i honest to god haven't a CLUE what to do right now.

surprise.

so pretty much this weekend has been amazing. i hung out with my boyfriend at his beach house. and it could not have been more fun :) we made food, watched elf, talked forever and more.. it was a definite need break from the world.

anyways. i've been thinking of my current relationship and it made me think of this poem thing i wrote a while back. i couldn't remember exactly what i had written, except i knew it was something about what i wanted to have in a boyfriend. so i went looking for & found this poem thing i had written.

and i freaked out a little...... in a really really really good way.

--------------
I want that one boy.
The one who will tell me I'm beautiful even when I don't agree
The one who knows when I'm feeling sad and knows how to fix it
Will give me hugs and kisses for no reason
One who will throw rocks at my window late at night
One who I will sneak away with and just drive to no place particular
He won't like all the mushy gushy stuff, like me
One who will be my boy friend and my best friend
One who knows my secrets
Who I can trust no matter what
I can go over to his house and we'll just lay down together talking about random things for hours
Even when I get annoying he'll understand
The one who will tell me I succeeded at something even when we both know it's not true
That one who has the best hugs
Who will take me on crazy adventures for no reason
No moment will ever be boring or unpredictable
Any story told in the future would be interesting, funny and completely random
One who knows how to make me laugh when I'm feeling bummed or pissed off
One who calls me pretty or gorgeous, not hot
Who treats me with respect
When I come up to him crying, he will ask "Whose ass am I kicking now?"
Who can just wait on the phone with me until we fall asleep
A boy who will serenade me and won't care how bad it sounds
Someone who will like me for me and not care when I have no makeup on
Won't make fun of my stupid laugh or my quirky sense of humor
The one who will show me they aren't all the same
One who will prove they aren't all stupid
Prove they aren't all moronic guys who just use and play girls because they can
Is that too much to ask for
Just that one boy.
---------------

as corny as it sounds
basically my dreams came true.
who knew it was possible?

one more line i just thought of....
"one who i can say 'i love you' to, and have it mean so much more than i ever thought possible"

hmm...

so you know when you have a song playing over and over in your head?
does it ever mean anything to you?
or it just something that playing on the radio when you turned the car off?
well for me, half the time it's that. but the other half the song actually has meaning.
something that reminds me of a certain event that occurred and was really fun, or maybe it has lyrics that pertain to a situation that i'm going through, or maybe i'm just making shit up as i go.
well anyways, my point is, i have had lyrics stuck in my head for days. and this case is because it pertains to my situation i guess. you know the song "listen" by beyonce? ya. that's what i have stuck in my head. don't know the song? forgot it? well here are the lyrics...

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

okay, so i guess you might be wondering how the heck this pertains to my sitch? yes? well i'll try to explain. vaguely.
one of my worst pet peeves is when people can talk anyone's ears off, but refuse to have the decency to listen. let's say a certain someone i know kinda sucks at this. i'm not going all dramatic like beyonce, but i can't say i enjoy being ignored half the time. I'm a good listener. i'm not gonna lie. seriously, mad listening skills right here. i could listen to people for days if they needed me to. it's not that i don't like to talk, cuz trust me i do! but a lot of people find it easier to cope with a situation if whoever they're talking to can truely, 100% listen. no distractions, and lots of time. i'm one of those people, no not the super good listener (altho i am that too) but the person who needs someone to just shut up and listen when something needs to be talked about, or whatever. the person referred to previously isn't good at that. let's say, hypothetically of course, that the person in question had a blog, in which lots of insights into this person's mind were written (yes, much like mine). but let's say (still hypothetically) that the person posted about me trusting them, and wanting to just talk forever, and listen. And I quote "I care more about what's goin on in ur head, and what ur thinking rather than anything else." and yet, this person sucks at listening.... try to get a word in during a conversation, and i'm basically booted out or ignored. i hate being ignored. again, not gonna lie. i like to be the center of attention, you might even say i crave it. so being ignored while trying to talk about random important stuff? ya. that really sucks... i don't know if this is an all the time thing, but it seems like it, and if it is, i definitly need to talk to this random person, . but i really suck at letting my feeling out. we'll see how this goies, if it does....

anyways. i'm pooped. and need to finish my home work. well, this sucks... ughhhhhhhhh. soooo tired!!! nighty night