so i read something yesterday that made me sick to my stomach. absolutely and completely sick.
i really wish that it wasn't bothering me and i wish that i could just turn around and forget about it but that's not what happening. i can't believe i'm at this place right now. it hurts me so much. it's been so long since i've felt this low but i can definitely say my heart hurts so much right now.
i've been going through everything over and over in my head. as much as i would like to turn back time a few months, i think i've gotten to a place now where i know this is what is meant to be. i'm trying more and more to believe everything happens for a reason and as much as this sucks, i've had so many positive signs in the past several weeks that only prove more that this is a good thing.
i mean. this is what life is about. learning lessons from the mistakes you make. or simply learning from experiences. and once you realize the lesson, learn it and compose yourself, you move on. no matter how much it hurts. because nothing good can come out of lingering on a bad situation or bad thoughts, or really anything negative in general.
a lot of good things have happened in the past several weeks. i've been doing a lot more music, have more free time, don't procrastinate as much on homework... the list goes on. but i think i've realized that for now i'm just gonna be single. i mean, if i meet someone i like, i'm not going to be against dating or whatever. but i'm going to actively pursue anything. i think. i really don't know though. i guess we'll just see what happens. this semester will be good. i can tell :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
motivation my a**.
so i've been at this place for quite some time now where i have so much i want to blog about, and yet, it's so much, i don't want to just have a crazy long list of things i'm complaining about. and yet, i want to write about something. half the stuff i want to write down, i don't think others should read, and the other stuff is me just rambling, yet again, about how much my life sucks. but i guess that's part of the reason i started this blog anyways, to keep whoever actually reads this blog (aka no one) updated on my life. whether it's going well or terribly.
i've gotten to this point in my life as of right now where i have absolutely no CLUE what i'm doing with my life. i don't have a job, REALLY need one, yet i am too lazy to get one. my ultimate DREAM job would be to become a professional singer (my life goal is to have at least ONE hit single on the radio) and yet, i won't do anything to further that burning desire (or the one to become an actress). i want good grades but have TERRIBLE study habits, can't ever focus, and dislike all the material i learn about in school. i have no passion for anything. nothing. i feel like i'm just going through the motions, hoping something will hit me. and i guess that's kind of how it works for most people. maybe it's someone who already has a life direction, but one day gets smacked in the face with a reality check or finds their life passion just randomly. and maybe that's going to happeen to me & i really hope it does, because that would be fabulous. but what am i supposed to do until then?? just sit around being lazy and pretend like i have a plan, or SOMETHING in mind?? i feel so utterly helpless and yet i am supposed to take control of my own life....
i just don't know where to go from here. here's the things. for my life, i have a lot of options. whether that's job opportunities, internships, travel opportunities, WHATEVER! i'm well connected. i don't mean that in a bragging way, because it's really just relevant to my situation. what i mean by that, is i have SO many different things i could do, so many AMAZING things i could do, and yet, i haven't found one that i'm truly excited about, or that i'm enough excited about to DO anything about changing it. you know what i mean? i mean, heck, i could be completely alone in this situation. but i feel like i'm no the first person to experience this kind of thing. you know, not knowing what i'm doing here, why, how, for what purpose.... the list goes on. but i think it boils down to me being absolutely, completely, 100% unmotivated. i think that's all it is. so how the CRAP am i supposed to change that. is motivation just gonna wake me up one day, kick me in the ass and say CHANGE! YOU'RE NOW PASSIONATE ABOUT (BLANK)! (and yes, motivation would obviously speak in all caps)
okay, but in all reality. i don't care how it happens.. whether it's something super basic, or something that requires a billboard the size of a skyscraper.
i'd simply just like to find my passion.
k?
and yet again, this turns back to God. prayer seems to be the only unanswered, answerable question. if that makes sense. basically, i need to pray and know God's got this one taken care of. it's just me & my stubborn, puny, dumb little human self wanting more instantly.
like i learned in church the other day. I need to be joyful, truly joyful, more often.
the end.
kenz
i've gotten to this point in my life as of right now where i have absolutely no CLUE what i'm doing with my life. i don't have a job, REALLY need one, yet i am too lazy to get one. my ultimate DREAM job would be to become a professional singer (my life goal is to have at least ONE hit single on the radio) and yet, i won't do anything to further that burning desire (or the one to become an actress). i want good grades but have TERRIBLE study habits, can't ever focus, and dislike all the material i learn about in school. i have no passion for anything. nothing. i feel like i'm just going through the motions, hoping something will hit me. and i guess that's kind of how it works for most people. maybe it's someone who already has a life direction, but one day gets smacked in the face with a reality check or finds their life passion just randomly. and maybe that's going to happeen to me & i really hope it does, because that would be fabulous. but what am i supposed to do until then?? just sit around being lazy and pretend like i have a plan, or SOMETHING in mind?? i feel so utterly helpless and yet i am supposed to take control of my own life....
i just don't know where to go from here. here's the things. for my life, i have a lot of options. whether that's job opportunities, internships, travel opportunities, WHATEVER! i'm well connected. i don't mean that in a bragging way, because it's really just relevant to my situation. what i mean by that, is i have SO many different things i could do, so many AMAZING things i could do, and yet, i haven't found one that i'm truly excited about, or that i'm enough excited about to DO anything about changing it. you know what i mean? i mean, heck, i could be completely alone in this situation. but i feel like i'm no the first person to experience this kind of thing. you know, not knowing what i'm doing here, why, how, for what purpose.... the list goes on. but i think it boils down to me being absolutely, completely, 100% unmotivated. i think that's all it is. so how the CRAP am i supposed to change that. is motivation just gonna wake me up one day, kick me in the ass and say CHANGE! YOU'RE NOW PASSIONATE ABOUT (BLANK)! (and yes, motivation would obviously speak in all caps)
okay, but in all reality. i don't care how it happens.. whether it's something super basic, or something that requires a billboard the size of a skyscraper.
i'd simply just like to find my passion.
k?
and yet again, this turns back to God. prayer seems to be the only unanswered, answerable question. if that makes sense. basically, i need to pray and know God's got this one taken care of. it's just me & my stubborn, puny, dumb little human self wanting more instantly.
like i learned in church the other day. I need to be joyful, truly joyful, more often.
the end.
kenz
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