so pretty much this weekend has been amazing. i hung out with my boyfriend at his beach house. and it could not have been more fun :) we made food, watched elf, talked forever and more.. it was a definite need break from the world.
anyways. i've been thinking of my current relationship and it made me think of this poem thing i wrote a while back. i couldn't remember exactly what i had written, except i knew it was something about what i wanted to have in a boyfriend. so i went looking for & found this poem thing i had written.
and i freaked out a little...... in a really really really good way.
--------------
I want that one boy.
The one who will tell me I'm beautiful even when I don't agree
The one who knows when I'm feeling sad and knows how to fix it
Will give me hugs and kisses for no reason
One who will throw rocks at my window late at night
One who I will sneak away with and just drive to no place particular
He won't like all the mushy gushy stuff, like me
One who will be my boy friend and my best friend
One who knows my secrets
Who I can trust no matter what
I can go over to his house and we'll just lay down together talking about random things for hours
Even when I get annoying he'll understand
The one who will tell me I succeeded at something even when we both know it's not true
That one who has the best hugs
Who will take me on crazy adventures for no reason
No moment will ever be boring or unpredictable
Any story told in the future would be interesting, funny and completely random
One who knows how to make me laugh when I'm feeling bummed or pissed off
One who calls me pretty or gorgeous, not hot
Who treats me with respect
When I come up to him crying, he will ask "Whose ass am I kicking now?"
Who can just wait on the phone with me until we fall asleep
A boy who will serenade me and won't care how bad it sounds
Someone who will like me for me and not care when I have no makeup on
Won't make fun of my stupid laugh or my quirky sense of humor
The one who will show me they aren't all the same
One who will prove they aren't all stupid
Prove they aren't all moronic guys who just use and play girls because they can
Is that too much to ask for
Just that one boy.
---------------
as corny as it sounds
basically my dreams came true.
who knew it was possible?
one more line i just thought of....
"one who i can say 'i love you' to, and have it mean so much more than i ever thought possible"
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
hmm...
so you know when you have a song playing over and over in your head?
does it ever mean anything to you?
or it just something that playing on the radio when you turned the car off?
well for me, half the time it's that. but the other half the song actually has meaning.
something that reminds me of a certain event that occurred and was really fun, or maybe it has lyrics that pertain to a situation that i'm going through, or maybe i'm just making shit up as i go.
well anyways, my point is, i have had lyrics stuck in my head for days. and this case is because it pertains to my situation i guess. you know the song "listen" by beyonce? ya. that's what i have stuck in my head. don't know the song? forgot it? well here are the lyrics...
Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...
okay, so i guess you might be wondering how the heck this pertains to my sitch? yes? well i'll try to explain. vaguely.
one of my worst pet peeves is when people can talk anyone's ears off, but refuse to have the decency to listen. let's say a certain someone i know kinda sucks at this. i'm not going all dramatic like beyonce, but i can't say i enjoy being ignored half the time. I'm a good listener. i'm not gonna lie. seriously, mad listening skills right here. i could listen to people for days if they needed me to. it's not that i don't like to talk, cuz trust me i do! but a lot of people find it easier to cope with a situation if whoever they're talking to can truely, 100% listen. no distractions, and lots of time. i'm one of those people, no not the super good listener (altho i am that too) but the person who needs someone to just shut up and listen when something needs to be talked about, or whatever. the person referred to previously isn't good at that. let's say, hypothetically of course, that the person in question had a blog, in which lots of insights into this person's mind were written (yes, much like mine). but let's say (still hypothetically) that the person posted about me trusting them, and wanting to just talk forever, and listen. And I quote "I care more about what's goin on in ur head, and what ur thinking rather than anything else." and yet, this person sucks at listening.... try to get a word in during a conversation, and i'm basically booted out or ignored. i hate being ignored. again, not gonna lie. i like to be the center of attention, you might even say i crave it. so being ignored while trying to talk about random important stuff? ya. that really sucks... i don't know if this is an all the time thing, but it seems like it, and if it is, i definitly need to talk to this random person, . but i really suck at letting my feeling out. we'll see how this goies, if it does....
anyways. i'm pooped. and need to finish my home work. well, this sucks... ughhhhhhhhh. soooo tired!!! nighty night
does it ever mean anything to you?
or it just something that playing on the radio when you turned the car off?
well for me, half the time it's that. but the other half the song actually has meaning.
something that reminds me of a certain event that occurred and was really fun, or maybe it has lyrics that pertain to a situation that i'm going through, or maybe i'm just making shit up as i go.
well anyways, my point is, i have had lyrics stuck in my head for days. and this case is because it pertains to my situation i guess. you know the song "listen" by beyonce? ya. that's what i have stuck in my head. don't know the song? forgot it? well here are the lyrics...
Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...
okay, so i guess you might be wondering how the heck this pertains to my sitch? yes? well i'll try to explain. vaguely.
one of my worst pet peeves is when people can talk anyone's ears off, but refuse to have the decency to listen. let's say a certain someone i know kinda sucks at this. i'm not going all dramatic like beyonce, but i can't say i enjoy being ignored half the time. I'm a good listener. i'm not gonna lie. seriously, mad listening skills right here. i could listen to people for days if they needed me to. it's not that i don't like to talk, cuz trust me i do! but a lot of people find it easier to cope with a situation if whoever they're talking to can truely, 100% listen. no distractions, and lots of time. i'm one of those people, no not the super good listener (altho i am that too) but the person who needs someone to just shut up and listen when something needs to be talked about, or whatever. the person referred to previously isn't good at that. let's say, hypothetically of course, that the person in question had a blog, in which lots of insights into this person's mind were written (yes, much like mine). but let's say (still hypothetically) that the person posted about me trusting them, and wanting to just talk forever, and listen. And I quote "I care more about what's goin on in ur head, and what ur thinking rather than anything else." and yet, this person sucks at listening.... try to get a word in during a conversation, and i'm basically booted out or ignored. i hate being ignored. again, not gonna lie. i like to be the center of attention, you might even say i crave it. so being ignored while trying to talk about random important stuff? ya. that really sucks... i don't know if this is an all the time thing, but it seems like it, and if it is, i definitly need to talk to this random person, . but i really suck at letting my feeling out. we'll see how this goies, if it does....
anyways. i'm pooped. and need to finish my home work. well, this sucks... ughhhhhhhhh. soooo tired!!! nighty night
Friday, November 27, 2009
new to this game.
i'm sorry that i don't know what to do.
i'm sorry i don't have any of this figured out.
i'm sorry that it's gonna be difficult.
i wish that i had more experience.
i wish i wasn't closed off.
i wish i had more insight into what the hell is going on.
i want to be perfect.
i want things to work smoothly.
i want it to be easy.
but.
how do you expect me to just know how to do everything right away?
how am i supposed to trust you if you don't trust me?
i'm sorry i don't have any of this figured out.
i'm sorry that it's gonna be difficult.
i wish that i had more experience.
i wish i wasn't closed off.
i wish i had more insight into what the hell is going on.
i want to be perfect.
i want things to work smoothly.
i want it to be easy.
but.
how do you expect me to just know how to do everything right away?
how am i supposed to trust you if you don't trust me?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
i put up a front.
because i'm afraid.
afraid of what you can do to me.
afraid of the past.
the past that consisted of boys who hurt.
hurt more than i ever want to be hurt again.
you can only take so much before you just want to be done with it all.
you just want it to end.
but it can't just end without something drastic.
all the bullshit can't simply be ignored.
you brush it away, yet reach for something attainable
something that is positive, stable.
and when you find the good, whatever good it is, you don't ever want to let go.
so you hold on.
hoping that something better is going to come along.
and before you know it, something does.
or so you think.
maybe this time it will be different.
maybe this time he will be different.
but no.
it's always the same.
the same game. the girl.
hurt.
alone.
so how is she expected to simply trust.
free fall into a world she knows nothing about.
trust is sacred because it has slowly deteriorated from years of misuse.
so she keeps up the wall.
the wall that guards her heart, her mind, her thoughts, her love
wishing that maybe it actually will be different this time
but still so unsure of anything, of everything.
in time, it might change, will change.
in time.
nothing lasts forever.
the pain will fade away.
the experiences will be forgotten, forgiven,
but the memories remain.
those of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, abandonment, despair.
times like these she hopes will appear no more.
but nothing is for sure.
nothing can be promised, no matter how many times sworn
no one is perfect.
no one
afraid of what you can do to me.
afraid of the past.
the past that consisted of boys who hurt.
hurt more than i ever want to be hurt again.
you can only take so much before you just want to be done with it all.
you just want it to end.
but it can't just end without something drastic.
all the bullshit can't simply be ignored.
you brush it away, yet reach for something attainable
something that is positive, stable.
and when you find the good, whatever good it is, you don't ever want to let go.
so you hold on.
hoping that something better is going to come along.
and before you know it, something does.
or so you think.
maybe this time it will be different.
maybe this time he will be different.
but no.
it's always the same.
the same game. the girl.
hurt.
alone.
so how is she expected to simply trust.
free fall into a world she knows nothing about.
trust is sacred because it has slowly deteriorated from years of misuse.
so she keeps up the wall.
the wall that guards her heart, her mind, her thoughts, her love
wishing that maybe it actually will be different this time
but still so unsure of anything, of everything.
in time, it might change, will change.
in time.
nothing lasts forever.
the pain will fade away.
the experiences will be forgotten, forgiven,
but the memories remain.
those of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, abandonment, despair.
times like these she hopes will appear no more.
but nothing is for sure.
nothing can be promised, no matter how many times sworn
no one is perfect.
no one
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
lost.
missing a boy. haven't talked to him in a while. but very excited to see him tomorrow. currently doing homework. sorta. listening to train, miley cyrus, vertical horizon, tay swift, and more... hungry. tired. exhausted. worn out. excited to see mom allie & amy in 2 days.
the worst part of my week. stressing about grades because if i don't find a way to pull them up there's a chance i won't pass & if that happens, my GPA will be under 3.0 and I will lose my scholarship. i don't know how my parents are going to react to this kind of thing so i haven't told them. shit. and then spanish i'm also struggling, but i'm pretty sure i can keep that above a C- so i'm moving it to pass fail. it sucks that i only have 13 credits because it means i can't drop a class, so basically i'm stuck in a hell hole right now. shit. damn. mother f.
i need god right now. where are you. i'm lost.
the worst part of my week. stressing about grades because if i don't find a way to pull them up there's a chance i won't pass & if that happens, my GPA will be under 3.0 and I will lose my scholarship. i don't know how my parents are going to react to this kind of thing so i haven't told them. shit. and then spanish i'm also struggling, but i'm pretty sure i can keep that above a C- so i'm moving it to pass fail. it sucks that i only have 13 credits because it means i can't drop a class, so basically i'm stuck in a hell hole right now. shit. damn. mother f.
i need god right now. where are you. i'm lost.
new song.
I can’t decide if this is right.
Do you really want me to choose tonight?
My heart is split in two.
You see I’m falling head over heels for you.
I feel like I gotta slow down and look at
Everything I have before me
I know this should be an easy choice
But I, don’t know if I wanna complicate, the thing we have between us
[chorus]
I gotta make my mind up, push on through
Cuz this just isn’t fair to you
I know you’re waitin’, waitin’ on me
To give an answer on what we should be
But wait, stop, please don’t push me
Boy you know, you just, just can’t rush me
And this is a big decision, so Hold On
This, is the time for me to decide
How, I’m gonna, live my life
And if, you’re gonna be a part
Boy just please, don’t, break my heart
Do you really want me to choose tonight?
My heart is split in two.
You see I’m falling head over heels for you.
I feel like I gotta slow down and look at
Everything I have before me
I know this should be an easy choice
But I, don’t know if I wanna complicate, the thing we have between us
[chorus]
I gotta make my mind up, push on through
Cuz this just isn’t fair to you
I know you’re waitin’, waitin’ on me
To give an answer on what we should be
But wait, stop, please don’t push me
Boy you know, you just, just can’t rush me
And this is a big decision, so Hold On
This, is the time for me to decide
How, I’m gonna, live my life
And if, you’re gonna be a part
Boy just please, don’t, break my heart
Sunday, October 25, 2009
It's been a while
well since no one follows me i'm kinda thinking there isn't any point to writing this blog, but i guess i get a sense of security writing about my life happening and thinking there's a chance someone is going to read it... well whatever.
anyways. its been pretty much forever since i last blogged and that's because college is amazing. mind you, it certainly has its sucky moments and isn't all fun & games.. but for the most part i love it to death. haha. well i have no idea how to summarize the past few weeks into a matter of sentences but i will start form the beginning and just go from there =)
Sooooo since i haven't written anything since school has started a TON has gone on. i've gotten over a fling with a boy and started a new one with another boy. altho this makes me sound like somewhat of a slut i swear im not haha... its all somewhat complicated. but the boy who i liked for a while has moved on also, to one of my friends in fact ;) so it's all good. but ya. the new boy is good. he's really outgoing & i love it. but ya classes haven't been awful, except for the whole almost failing, but we're good now as far as i know.... Also, I'm pledging a sorority!! =) Gamma Phi Beta. It's kinda funny that I even ended up doing recruitment. but i signed up a few days before just thinking i wanted the experience of going through it & i ended up loving GPhi and stayed the whole time & ended up pledging. so here i am, we've had activities & a retreat, Airbands (amazingly fun!), Crush party (really fun until my date got kicked out so i decided to leave with him & my other dates) and i'm currently in the process of "bigs & littles" we chose last weekend & we find out this coming thursday who our bigs are (i'm super confused at who mine is cuz whoever she is is totally confusing me. right now i'm pretty sure it's between emily & jessica. but i'm leaning towards jess cuz she Says she's never had a little.. altho she could be lying.. i don't really know. but kalie says she knows.. so i don't really know if she even knows haha)
Anyways, besides all this good stuff, there's certainly a share of bad stuff going on. well not necessarily bad stuff, just annoying stuff, or whatever. Like how i was almost failing chem, but i think im good now. Like when my parents visited i felt like they had interrupted my life almost, and i felt so bad, but then when i did have time for them they were doing stuff, so it was really a weird visit, it certainly is going to be strange going back home which is in a month by the way && i'm SUper excited for it =) my mom booked my ticket. anyways. Like how i feel like my guy "friend" seems to be having a lot of issues and i feel like i'm supposed to take care of him and those issues in some way, but i don't think i'm capable of taking care of my own issues && his && him in general, which is what's making me unsure of whether or not i'm prepared to have a boyfriend, there's certainly been all sorts of drama in that department, cuz for a little while we argued about how he should be acting around me cuz i'm apparently a lot different than all of his past girlfriends and since i've never had a boyfriend i certainly don't know how to act.... so there's a lot of complications in that area, like i said. but ya. i guess i'm just trying to figure it all out, and how to deal with everything & such. also. Like how i'm having issues in the friends area simply because i feel like i haven't made that many sincere friends, and if i do something seems to happen every time & we drift apart or something, gosh, friends are all so complicating... i don't even know.. ughh. but ya. so that's just kind of a general overview of my life right now.
i think i'm gonna try to update this thing more simply because i don't want to have to do this sort of huge general overview again, cuz it's wayyy too general. i like more specifics. but whatevs. well PeacE. i gotta go do some homework cuz we have meeting earlier tonight.. :)
ttys.
<3 kenzie
anyways. its been pretty much forever since i last blogged and that's because college is amazing. mind you, it certainly has its sucky moments and isn't all fun & games.. but for the most part i love it to death. haha. well i have no idea how to summarize the past few weeks into a matter of sentences but i will start form the beginning and just go from there =)
Sooooo since i haven't written anything since school has started a TON has gone on. i've gotten over a fling with a boy and started a new one with another boy. altho this makes me sound like somewhat of a slut i swear im not haha... its all somewhat complicated. but the boy who i liked for a while has moved on also, to one of my friends in fact ;) so it's all good. but ya. the new boy is good. he's really outgoing & i love it. but ya classes haven't been awful, except for the whole almost failing, but we're good now as far as i know.... Also, I'm pledging a sorority!! =) Gamma Phi Beta. It's kinda funny that I even ended up doing recruitment. but i signed up a few days before just thinking i wanted the experience of going through it & i ended up loving GPhi and stayed the whole time & ended up pledging. so here i am, we've had activities & a retreat, Airbands (amazingly fun!), Crush party (really fun until my date got kicked out so i decided to leave with him & my other dates) and i'm currently in the process of "bigs & littles" we chose last weekend & we find out this coming thursday who our bigs are (i'm super confused at who mine is cuz whoever she is is totally confusing me. right now i'm pretty sure it's between emily & jessica. but i'm leaning towards jess cuz she Says she's never had a little.. altho she could be lying.. i don't really know. but kalie says she knows.. so i don't really know if she even knows haha)
Anyways, besides all this good stuff, there's certainly a share of bad stuff going on. well not necessarily bad stuff, just annoying stuff, or whatever. Like how i was almost failing chem, but i think im good now. Like when my parents visited i felt like they had interrupted my life almost, and i felt so bad, but then when i did have time for them they were doing stuff, so it was really a weird visit, it certainly is going to be strange going back home which is in a month by the way && i'm SUper excited for it =) my mom booked my ticket. anyways. Like how i feel like my guy "friend" seems to be having a lot of issues and i feel like i'm supposed to take care of him and those issues in some way, but i don't think i'm capable of taking care of my own issues && his && him in general, which is what's making me unsure of whether or not i'm prepared to have a boyfriend, there's certainly been all sorts of drama in that department, cuz for a little while we argued about how he should be acting around me cuz i'm apparently a lot different than all of his past girlfriends and since i've never had a boyfriend i certainly don't know how to act.... so there's a lot of complications in that area, like i said. but ya. i guess i'm just trying to figure it all out, and how to deal with everything & such. also. Like how i'm having issues in the friends area simply because i feel like i haven't made that many sincere friends, and if i do something seems to happen every time & we drift apart or something, gosh, friends are all so complicating... i don't even know.. ughh. but ya. so that's just kind of a general overview of my life right now.
i think i'm gonna try to update this thing more simply because i don't want to have to do this sort of huge general overview again, cuz it's wayyy too general. i like more specifics. but whatevs. well PeacE. i gotta go do some homework cuz we have meeting earlier tonight.. :)
ttys.
<3 kenzie
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