has anyone else realized how many gimmicks, scams, "contests", and crap that are thrown at us everyday? you open your e-mail and you have 20 e-mails on how you can win a $500 gift card, or win a free iPod or laptop. on facebook you have a billion different ads advertising free products left and right. what all these "free" contests fail to tell you is there's a catch, there's always some sort of ploy that will make you sign up for some free trial, or make you text some random thing, and then the companies go and steal your information, and it just spirals into a continuation of lies. what i'm getting at is how there are so many things in life that have a catch. no matter what, you're almost always guaranteed a problem when something seems to be too good to be true.
and yes, i'm comparing this not only to e-mails, or facebook, but everyday, real life. everything you go through, each thing you face that seems to good to be true, usually is exactly that, too good to be true. there always seems to be some sort of catch in whatever we go through. you get good grades in a high school, but then comes college. you do well on a sports team, and then you break your ankle and you're out for the season. you find something you like, or love, and it always seems to get ruined somehow.
okay, maybe i'm just pulling out the whole whiny act, but really, i'm just saying how i feel and what i've experienced. everything good that i find somehow is ruined, or i find a catch. nothing so far is truly good. and i'm just sick of it. why can't i be happy for some period of time. something i always wrong, no matter what...
it just begins to wear you down after a while. after the same things keep happening over & over. i recently heard the definition of "insane" doing the same thing over & over again, but expecting different results each time. i really and truly feel insane if that's what it means then. so, obviously, based on this definition, i am insane. because i keep doing the same thing and hoping for something to change each time, but instead i end up the same. hurt. and yes, i get over it, but only after a while, or after i begin my next pursuit. so maybe i need to change my ways and move on from what i keep doing. but how exactly am i supposed to do that? i have no clue. because it's just my every day life that i'm trying to live. it's like i'm attempting at some ridiculous feat, or something virtually impossible.
it's everyday normal shit. so what am i doing wrong?
why is nothing working...
i'm just so tired of being wrong all the time.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
the yes girl..
im getting mixed feelings from you world
some people say, ignore what you hear, ignore what they tell you, well at least the negative stuff. go pursue your dreams, whatever they are.
so what then, is it true that i can get whatever i want if i work hard at it? honestly i would love to say yes, but its not true. yes, if i work hard enough ill get a lot of what i want, but not everything is obtainable.
i think of it this way, God wants to protect us from whatever is harmful to us. like in the garden of eden. we are so much like adam and eve. we have so much going for us, so much at our disposal, so much that we are given, surrounding us, in abundance. yet, all we see is that one burden, obstacle, that One thing we cant have, and we let it tear us down. we let it tempt us to try and overcome it. we see it as a challenge, when in reality, the reason we sometimes see it as unobtainable is because god is trying to protect us simply from what can damage and destroy us. but i guess thats human nature. another kind of quote i keep thinking of is from the rockharbor "sex, love, and God" event i went to. the guy was talking and said "instead of focusing on all the 'yesses' you are given, we focus on the one 'no'"...
so. here’s the plan. focus on what i CAN have instead of what i cannot. i have been given talents, i have been given opportunity, i have been given loving family and amazing friends that i know i wouldn't be anywhere without, i have been given so much in my life. so instead of taking it all for granted and pouting about what i cant do, lets continue on with what i can. try my hardest in what i know i can do, and ignore the stupd thoughts reminding me of what i cant, because that only breaks me down
so here’s to a new start, a new beginning, a new view on life.
im done with self tearing down. im done with telling myself i cant. im done. because im the one person who will always tell myself yes.
so...
yes, i can be a singer.
yes, i can get good grades.
yes, i can have a better workout mindset.
yes, i can look at life with a positive mindset.
yes, i deserve happiness.
yes, i will find the perfect guy for me eventually.
yes, I am beautiful…
Let’s do this.
Got my game face on.
Bring it.
some people say, ignore what you hear, ignore what they tell you, well at least the negative stuff. go pursue your dreams, whatever they are.
so what then, is it true that i can get whatever i want if i work hard at it? honestly i would love to say yes, but its not true. yes, if i work hard enough ill get a lot of what i want, but not everything is obtainable.
i think of it this way, God wants to protect us from whatever is harmful to us. like in the garden of eden. we are so much like adam and eve. we have so much going for us, so much at our disposal, so much that we are given, surrounding us, in abundance. yet, all we see is that one burden, obstacle, that One thing we cant have, and we let it tear us down. we let it tempt us to try and overcome it. we see it as a challenge, when in reality, the reason we sometimes see it as unobtainable is because god is trying to protect us simply from what can damage and destroy us. but i guess thats human nature. another kind of quote i keep thinking of is from the rockharbor "sex, love, and God" event i went to. the guy was talking and said "instead of focusing on all the 'yesses' you are given, we focus on the one 'no'"...
so. here’s the plan. focus on what i CAN have instead of what i cannot. i have been given talents, i have been given opportunity, i have been given loving family and amazing friends that i know i wouldn't be anywhere without, i have been given so much in my life. so instead of taking it all for granted and pouting about what i cant do, lets continue on with what i can. try my hardest in what i know i can do, and ignore the stupd thoughts reminding me of what i cant, because that only breaks me down
so here’s to a new start, a new beginning, a new view on life.
im done with self tearing down. im done with telling myself i cant. im done. because im the one person who will always tell myself yes.
so...
yes, i can be a singer.
yes, i can get good grades.
yes, i can have a better workout mindset.
yes, i can look at life with a positive mindset.
yes, i deserve happiness.
yes, i will find the perfect guy for me eventually.
yes, I am beautiful…
Let’s do this.
Got my game face on.
Bring it.
good times.
It's times like these that make me so grateful of the good happy times I have had with people I love. times when I'm sick and sitting in bed bored out of my mind but not able to fall asleep that I think of the fun times I've had and fun times I will have. I always have to remember that I should never take for granted the time I spend with people I love.
I'm so blessed in my life, and I need to be constantly reminded of that. Yes, I've gone through some down-right shitty things, but that's only in my opinion, and only at the time that I'm going through it. Because after the fact, basically after I've gotten over myself, I realize how much worse off people are. There are children losing parents, losing legs, dying of sickness, people getting shot, losing their income and houses, losing hope and heart, and there I was, crying over a break-up.
I feel so selfish when I go through these kind of things and whine about it, but sometimes you have to be. I'm not justifying my self-pity but I'm not denying it. Sometimes in order to heal yourself, you need to take time for yourself. However much time that is, you'll know. You'll know when things are fixed, or better, or you'll know when you need more time, more space. Whatever it is, you'll know.
I guess when I have time to think, I usually take time to put things in perspective. Yes, sometimes I just take some time to whine to myself, and pity myself. But when the dust has cleared it just makes me realize that tomorrow is still going to come. You can whine as much as you want, but it's going to happen. It's your choice to make that day good or bad. You have the option of staying positive and keeping yourself out of a rut. No matter what people say you have the ability to ignore the bad stuff and let yourself be who you want to be. I mean, certainly it's easier said than done, and I'm the last one to take my own advice. But really, if I just stepped back and looked at everything, I'd realize how much better off I'd be if I chose to make things better for myself.
Of course I can let people dictate my own future, but I have so much more power than them when it comes to me. I know me. I know who I am, how I act, what I like and don't like, how I react to things, and what motivates me. So why not take the power out of someone else's hands and give that power back to myself.
I can choose to be happy or sad. So why would I choose sad...
I'm so blessed in my life, and I need to be constantly reminded of that. Yes, I've gone through some down-right shitty things, but that's only in my opinion, and only at the time that I'm going through it. Because after the fact, basically after I've gotten over myself, I realize how much worse off people are. There are children losing parents, losing legs, dying of sickness, people getting shot, losing their income and houses, losing hope and heart, and there I was, crying over a break-up.
I feel so selfish when I go through these kind of things and whine about it, but sometimes you have to be. I'm not justifying my self-pity but I'm not denying it. Sometimes in order to heal yourself, you need to take time for yourself. However much time that is, you'll know. You'll know when things are fixed, or better, or you'll know when you need more time, more space. Whatever it is, you'll know.
I guess when I have time to think, I usually take time to put things in perspective. Yes, sometimes I just take some time to whine to myself, and pity myself. But when the dust has cleared it just makes me realize that tomorrow is still going to come. You can whine as much as you want, but it's going to happen. It's your choice to make that day good or bad. You have the option of staying positive and keeping yourself out of a rut. No matter what people say you have the ability to ignore the bad stuff and let yourself be who you want to be. I mean, certainly it's easier said than done, and I'm the last one to take my own advice. But really, if I just stepped back and looked at everything, I'd realize how much better off I'd be if I chose to make things better for myself.
Of course I can let people dictate my own future, but I have so much more power than them when it comes to me. I know me. I know who I am, how I act, what I like and don't like, how I react to things, and what motivates me. So why not take the power out of someone else's hands and give that power back to myself.
I can choose to be happy or sad. So why would I choose sad...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
baby steps.
So things are starting to look up right now.
Everything that I’ve been complaining about, or at least stressing about in my life, seems to be getting better.
First of all, the ex and I are on good terms. I had to help him all day cuz he was really sick. And although last night we had a long talk about how its gonna be hard, and tears were shed, I can tell things are gonna be good. I think we’re just better as friends. It’s gonna be hard still, mostly for him, to treat this as just a friendship, but I think, or at least hope that it will work out. After hanging out with him for several hours yesterday I realized I like being his friend more than anything.
It's not going to get better or back to normal instantly, just baby steps.
Then, there’s the issue of my involvement in school activities. Whether that was with Gamma Phi, or just school stuff in general. I’ve been feeling really detached from everything and it was getting really hard to see the point of being all the way out here, away from my friends and family and my whole life back in Seattle. I felt super detached, mostly Gamma Phi, and being to doubt whether or not it is all worth it; being at school, or in Gamma Phi or whatever. But now, things are looking up. I’m getting more involved with G-Phi, and even with school stuff. Well, at least with FCA, which is a cool group and I can tell it’ll be a good thing for me to be involved with. It’ll be kind of like a youth group, and definitely something I need. And I might be joining to worship team, or leadership team, which would be cool (either of those). So that’s really fun.
But it's not an instant change, just baby steps.
Which brings me to my next positive; Lent. I’ve decided to give up facebook and soda for Lent. And both are going to be hard, I know. But I’m still going to do it. Facebook is a no-brainer on why I’m giving it up for Lent. Kalie put it best when she said, “How many times a day do you just have random free time and instead of going to God, or reading the Bible, you go to facebook and just waste time.” SO ya. I’m hoping to change that “time-wasting” into God-time, or Bible-time, or even homework time because I’m planning on good grades this semester. But just to sum it up, I'm giving up facebook because it's a time-waster in my life & not a necessary thing. And then there’s soda. The reason I’m giving it up is because, one, it’s not good for me, and two, because, although I’m not giving up caffeine entirely, I depend on soda to give me caffeine (aka energy) during the day. When, if i just opened up the Bible, or threw up a little shout-out prayer to God, I could get that energy I need from him. So we’ll see how this works out. Although I certainly have my coffee/some caffeine, I know soda will be a good thing for me. Because after it’s done, it’s going to be something that I’ll hopefully be able to stick to, and not just do it for 40 days and give up. I want to turn it into a long term commitment.
It starts with baby steps.
So there ya go, a little catch up on my day-to-day life.
Things are going pretty well. compared to the last few weeks.
I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, and I’m more optimistic about the future and just stuff going on in my life in general.
And I hope it stays this way because I'm liking it.
Liking it so much more than the stress and pain I felt the last several weeks, because it was breaking me down slowly.
So yep. I'm definitely going to start keeping up with this blog more now that I don't have facebook.
I have another blog, but that's turned into more of a diary/rant page for me. And I don't really want other people reading it, even thought part of me does.
So there ya go!
Peace!
Love, Kenzie :)
Everything that I’ve been complaining about, or at least stressing about in my life, seems to be getting better.
First of all, the ex and I are on good terms. I had to help him all day cuz he was really sick. And although last night we had a long talk about how its gonna be hard, and tears were shed, I can tell things are gonna be good. I think we’re just better as friends. It’s gonna be hard still, mostly for him, to treat this as just a friendship, but I think, or at least hope that it will work out. After hanging out with him for several hours yesterday I realized I like being his friend more than anything.
It's not going to get better or back to normal instantly, just baby steps.
Then, there’s the issue of my involvement in school activities. Whether that was with Gamma Phi, or just school stuff in general. I’ve been feeling really detached from everything and it was getting really hard to see the point of being all the way out here, away from my friends and family and my whole life back in Seattle. I felt super detached, mostly Gamma Phi, and being to doubt whether or not it is all worth it; being at school, or in Gamma Phi or whatever. But now, things are looking up. I’m getting more involved with G-Phi, and even with school stuff. Well, at least with FCA, which is a cool group and I can tell it’ll be a good thing for me to be involved with. It’ll be kind of like a youth group, and definitely something I need. And I might be joining to worship team, or leadership team, which would be cool (either of those). So that’s really fun.
But it's not an instant change, just baby steps.
Which brings me to my next positive; Lent. I’ve decided to give up facebook and soda for Lent. And both are going to be hard, I know. But I’m still going to do it. Facebook is a no-brainer on why I’m giving it up for Lent. Kalie put it best when she said, “How many times a day do you just have random free time and instead of going to God, or reading the Bible, you go to facebook and just waste time.” SO ya. I’m hoping to change that “time-wasting” into God-time, or Bible-time, or even homework time because I’m planning on good grades this semester. But just to sum it up, I'm giving up facebook because it's a time-waster in my life & not a necessary thing. And then there’s soda. The reason I’m giving it up is because, one, it’s not good for me, and two, because, although I’m not giving up caffeine entirely, I depend on soda to give me caffeine (aka energy) during the day. When, if i just opened up the Bible, or threw up a little shout-out prayer to God, I could get that energy I need from him. So we’ll see how this works out. Although I certainly have my coffee/some caffeine, I know soda will be a good thing for me. Because after it’s done, it’s going to be something that I’ll hopefully be able to stick to, and not just do it for 40 days and give up. I want to turn it into a long term commitment.
It starts with baby steps.
So there ya go, a little catch up on my day-to-day life.
Things are going pretty well. compared to the last few weeks.
I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, and I’m more optimistic about the future and just stuff going on in my life in general.
And I hope it stays this way because I'm liking it.
Liking it so much more than the stress and pain I felt the last several weeks, because it was breaking me down slowly.
So yep. I'm definitely going to start keeping up with this blog more now that I don't have facebook.
I have another blog, but that's turned into more of a diary/rant page for me. And I don't really want other people reading it, even thought part of me does.
So there ya go!
Peace!
Love, Kenzie :)
Saturday, December 26, 2009
It's been a great Christmas. I'm so blessed to have a family that loves me & to have parents who can provide me with so much. Its hard to imagine that our country is in desperate times & that people don't have jobs right now & can't even afford to live in a house. Yet, I am blessed to go to an expensive school, live in a nice house, travel to my grandma's, get amazing gifts, and simply do things that not that many people can do. God has blessed me and I am never grateful enough.
- can't stop thinking of this summer & how close I was to God. Malibu was the best experience of my life and brought me so close to what I never realized I didn't have. Being a Christian is so hard, and yet so simple at the same time. But I have clearly struggled with it way too much. The bible verse about 'being in the world but not of it' consistently pops up in my head and makes me realize how I just gave up on that. I mean, I'd like to say I tried, but I can't lie to myself. I mean I certainly haven't gone crazy like some people I know, but it doesn't make me better than anyone else if I'm still drinking or doing whatever is compromising the morals I've stood for and maintained my entire life. I never realized how close I was to a relationship until I really fell out of one. I've struggled my whole life with what I thought was the lack of a relationship, but in reality it was just building me up for recognizing the lack of.
All I can think of is the times I felt hopeless & alone, crying out for someone to answer my prayers. For God to answer my prayers. But I realize now it was all sort of a test. I would be such a different person without everything I've been through. So different I probably wouldn't even know myself. I've learned to cope with the situations I've been in, and its made me a stronger, more confident, more outgoing, and overall better person. God has brought me this far & I know that he's going to bring me through the rest, well I sincerely hope. All I need to do is try to find my summer love and regain my relationship. I've put everything before Him & that needs to change. No more relationship on the backburner.
Things are going to change.
John 3:16... Who wouldn't want to change?
- can't stop thinking of this summer & how close I was to God. Malibu was the best experience of my life and brought me so close to what I never realized I didn't have. Being a Christian is so hard, and yet so simple at the same time. But I have clearly struggled with it way too much. The bible verse about 'being in the world but not of it' consistently pops up in my head and makes me realize how I just gave up on that. I mean, I'd like to say I tried, but I can't lie to myself. I mean I certainly haven't gone crazy like some people I know, but it doesn't make me better than anyone else if I'm still drinking or doing whatever is compromising the morals I've stood for and maintained my entire life. I never realized how close I was to a relationship until I really fell out of one. I've struggled my whole life with what I thought was the lack of a relationship, but in reality it was just building me up for recognizing the lack of.
All I can think of is the times I felt hopeless & alone, crying out for someone to answer my prayers. For God to answer my prayers. But I realize now it was all sort of a test. I would be such a different person without everything I've been through. So different I probably wouldn't even know myself. I've learned to cope with the situations I've been in, and its made me a stronger, more confident, more outgoing, and overall better person. God has brought me this far & I know that he's going to bring me through the rest, well I sincerely hope. All I need to do is try to find my summer love and regain my relationship. I've put everything before Him & that needs to change. No more relationship on the backburner.
Things are going to change.
John 3:16... Who wouldn't want to change?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays...
Everytime I say those words it makes me think of the 'N Sync song.. It makes me so happy because it makes me think of simple times. When I was younger and everything was so much easier to deal with. Where the only problems were what game you were gonna play at recess. Drugs were prescription. Broken Hearts didn't exist. Love was a distant fantasy. Everything was just easy. Now, life is so different. I'm faced with so much more than I ever thought I could bear. But it's because I've been through so much that I am able to stand up under the pressure.
College is great. I love my boyfriend. My family, although sometimes difficult, is still behind me all the way :)
2009 has been quite a year... It's pretty ridiculous honestly. I graduated from high school. Had the best summer of my life. Started college. Got a boyfriend. Learned what it's like to live on my own. I've been through heartache, love, happiness, sadness, excitement, depression, thrills, and more.
And I can confidently say I'm ready for a new year. It's been full of so much craziness, and I'm ready for at least a theoretical "new beginning."
You know, I've always made New Year's Resolutions, but this year i'm going to set some goals. and I intend to actually keep them..
Well good night..
And in the words of Tiny Tim
"God bless them, every one.."
and I mean it :)
College is great. I love my boyfriend. My family, although sometimes difficult, is still behind me all the way :)
2009 has been quite a year... It's pretty ridiculous honestly. I graduated from high school. Had the best summer of my life. Started college. Got a boyfriend. Learned what it's like to live on my own. I've been through heartache, love, happiness, sadness, excitement, depression, thrills, and more.
And I can confidently say I'm ready for a new year. It's been full of so much craziness, and I'm ready for at least a theoretical "new beginning."
You know, I've always made New Year's Resolutions, but this year i'm going to set some goals. and I intend to actually keep them..
Well good night..
And in the words of Tiny Tim
"God bless them, every one.."
and I mean it :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
what do i do..
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when u hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to ur heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch u sleep..wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,who wants to show you off to the whole world, who holds ur hand infront of his friends, who thinks ur jst as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding u of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you..."
But it should also say...
who will respect you when you ask him to stop bugging you, who will respect you asking him to leave and let you figure out your thoughts, who won't smother you, who won't do PDA in public if you're uncomfortable with it, who won't let things get too serious too quick, who won't pressure her EVER, who won't get jealous over stupid things, who will allow her to be her own person, who won't try to control her, who will let her make her own decisions, no matter how pissed he is he'll NEVER take it out on her or hurt her, who feels like he doesn't deserve her and actually acts like it, who will let things happen as they will.
i don't know if i love him. but i can't take us not talking. he's so much more of a best friend than a boyfriend. and i love that and dont want to lose it. i dont know what to do. i dont have anything figured out. this is the first time. you expect so much of me, and i let you down because what you want is currently unattainable. you pressure me, but i cant, dont know what to do, and dont want to. i am new, not the old one. totally different, yet i feel like you treat it the same. but right now, everything is feeling wrong. jealousy. pressure. ignorance. expectations. different morals. different standards. just different.
before everything seemed so good. but as we go on i feel like im somehow blamed for everything. like everything is on me to not screw this up but no one is perfect. i cant handle taking care of you, when i can barely take care of myself. maturity. you want it, but we're so young. its too hard to plan anything. the future is unpredictable.
im sorry. but i honest to god haven't a CLUE what to do right now.
But it should also say...
who will respect you when you ask him to stop bugging you, who will respect you asking him to leave and let you figure out your thoughts, who won't smother you, who won't do PDA in public if you're uncomfortable with it, who won't let things get too serious too quick, who won't pressure her EVER, who won't get jealous over stupid things, who will allow her to be her own person, who won't try to control her, who will let her make her own decisions, no matter how pissed he is he'll NEVER take it out on her or hurt her, who feels like he doesn't deserve her and actually acts like it, who will let things happen as they will.
i don't know if i love him. but i can't take us not talking. he's so much more of a best friend than a boyfriend. and i love that and dont want to lose it. i dont know what to do. i dont have anything figured out. this is the first time. you expect so much of me, and i let you down because what you want is currently unattainable. you pressure me, but i cant, dont know what to do, and dont want to. i am new, not the old one. totally different, yet i feel like you treat it the same. but right now, everything is feeling wrong. jealousy. pressure. ignorance. expectations. different morals. different standards. just different.
before everything seemed so good. but as we go on i feel like im somehow blamed for everything. like everything is on me to not screw this up but no one is perfect. i cant handle taking care of you, when i can barely take care of myself. maturity. you want it, but we're so young. its too hard to plan anything. the future is unpredictable.
im sorry. but i honest to god haven't a CLUE what to do right now.
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