so here's the deal. plans can change in a matter of seconds without a moment's notice. so when i found out my application for PR/Ad was due 2 1/2 weeks earlier than i thought, i was definitely freaking out. but, i mustered all my strength and wit and advertising knowledge and dropped everything to pull together the application that the rest of my college career depends on. and luckily everyone was very supportive of me. or so i thought...
sometimes plans change. people do other stuff and can't always be with others 24/7 no matter what the relationship. i'm the kind of person who won't freak out if plans change, unless it's like a big things that i was really looking forward to. but even so, i usually am upset for a short while and then i move on. real quick. i get over stuff fairly quickly, at least the little things. yes, big stuff bugs me. so what. that's not my fault. it's just the way God made me. i am okay with change, i try not to hold grudges, i'm fairly good at letting things go. that's who i am. so when other people aren't like that, it confuses me. i mean i'm certainly accepting of how they react towards something but when someone can be a hypocrite all the time about something and then come back and blame me for something, that's when i get pissed.
the only people i'm okay with getting mad at me about this kind of thing is my family. i don't like letting people down, at all, so i've become a fairly indecisive person to give way to someone else's ideas or plans. i'm a people pleaser, i go with the flow. i certainly have my own ideas about things and i am in NO way a pushover, trust me, but i like to see people happy when they plan stuff. i don't like conflict, unless necessary. i don't like fighting with friends because friends aren't always going to be there. so when i get pushed around, i'm gonna react. if something bugs me, a lot of times i won't say anything to the person who is bugging me because there's no point in arguing over something i know i'm going to be over in a short while. i just like to let things blow over most of the time. but. when i do want to talk about things, i have the hardest time doing it face to face.
i don't know why but ideas tend to come easier to me when i right them down. when i try to talk to someone about something important, i feel like i just have too many things to say and i can't organize all my thoughts and then i just always miss out on what i really want to say because i forget. i'm a very unorganized person in my head. that's why i like writing, because i can organize everything i'm thinking into something that actually makes sense. altho i can't always get everything out, and i tend to till forget stuff, it just sounds better when i'm able to organize it better. i don't like seeming like a bumbling idiot when i'm trying to get a point across, but that is exactly what happens when someone asks to talk face to face, or not let me write my thoughts down. it's not that i don't want to talk face to face, i can't. i'm embarrassed cuz i feel like i just can't get it right, ever. i don't like the feeling of being out of control and that's how i feel when i try and talk about something important, especially when i'm upset because that just magnifies things a hundred times worse... and yet, in spite of all this, i still do it. to please people.
so those are my thoughts, although i probably still forgot something. =P
.:mackenzie
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