wow.

i have so much to say about this week that i definitely should not write down.

so all i'm gonna say is, what else could go wrong? like really though...

damn.

frustrated & confused.

so here's the deal. plans can change in a matter of seconds without a moment's notice. so when i found out my application for PR/Ad was due 2 1/2 weeks earlier than i thought, i was definitely freaking out. but, i mustered all my strength and wit and advertising knowledge and dropped everything to pull together the application that the rest of my college career depends on. and luckily everyone was very supportive of me. or so i thought...

sometimes plans change. people do other stuff and can't always be with others 24/7 no matter what the relationship. i'm the kind of person who won't freak out if plans change, unless it's like a big things that i was really looking forward to. but even so, i usually am upset for a short while and then i move on. real quick. i get over stuff fairly quickly, at least the little things. yes, big stuff bugs me. so what. that's not my fault. it's just the way God made me. i am okay with change, i try not to hold grudges, i'm fairly good at letting things go. that's who i am. so when other people aren't like that, it confuses me. i mean i'm certainly accepting of how they react towards something but when someone can be a hypocrite all the time about something and then come back and blame me for something, that's when i get pissed.

the only people i'm okay with getting mad at me about this kind of thing is my family. i don't like letting people down, at all, so i've become a fairly indecisive person to give way to someone else's ideas or plans. i'm a people pleaser, i go with the flow. i certainly have my own ideas about things and i am in NO way a pushover, trust me, but i like to see people happy when they plan stuff. i don't like conflict, unless necessary. i don't like fighting with friends because friends aren't always going to be there. so when i get pushed around, i'm gonna react. if something bugs me, a lot of times i won't say anything to the person who is bugging me because there's no point in arguing over something i know i'm going to be over in a short while. i just like to let things blow over most of the time. but. when i do want to talk about things, i have the hardest time doing it face to face.

i don't know why but ideas tend to come easier to me when i right them down. when i try to talk to someone about something important, i feel like i just have too many things to say and i can't organize all my thoughts and then i just always miss out on what i really want to say because i forget. i'm a very unorganized person in my head. that's why i like writing, because i can organize everything i'm thinking into something that actually makes sense. altho i can't always get everything out, and i tend to till forget stuff, it just sounds better when i'm able to organize it better. i don't like seeming like a bumbling idiot when i'm trying to get a point across, but that is exactly what happens when someone asks to talk face to face, or not let me write my thoughts down. it's not that i don't want to talk face to face, i can't. i'm embarrassed cuz i feel like i just can't get it right, ever. i don't like the feeling of being out of control and that's how i feel when i try and talk about something important, especially when i'm upset because that just magnifies things a hundred times worse... and yet, in spite of all this, i still do it. to please people.

so those are my thoughts, although i probably still forgot something. =P

.:mackenzie

maturity.

seeing as i'm in my second year of college, i'd say i'm fairly well versed in the habits of college students, older and younger than me. and being the people watcher that i am boy do i always have lots to say about my fellow peers.

first of i'd like to say how much more grateful i've become have the upbringing i did. i grew up in a normal home with a fairly normal, or so i thought. but i mean that in a completely good way. as i get older i realize how amazing my parents are and how they raised me to be the person i am today. and i'm especially grateful about the schooling i received. yes, i hated it while i was there but king's prepared me for so much and i'd even venture to say i was put in the higher half of the population of smartness measurement because of them. as the months of college go by, i realize how mature and prepared i am for a lot of things, more so than other students. don't get me wrong, i don't mean this in a cruel, i'm-better-than-you, egotistical way it may come off. i'm simply saying i'm grateful for the things i've gone through in life because i feel that everything i've experienced has thoroughly prepared me for the present and future.

some people... i just don't even know where to start. but to put it simply. not everyone is as mature or can deal with certain situations as much you probably should be as a young adult, approaching the completely legal age... it's just upsetting i guess to see people, or friends be stupid about stuff.... whatever. i'm probably just over reacting.

good start. better finish.

so far this year is getting off to a great start. okay, yes it's already almost 2 months into the semester, so not exactly "just started" but whatever. writing this now just means i have been SUPER busy. which means good things. basically. i'm loving sophomore year so far :) yes it's had it's ups and downs but so far i'm really happy. i like all my classes (except business. ew.) and i'm even doing pretty well in all of them! good grades = happy kenzie, happy parents, happy professors, and basically an all over happy experience.

i've been keeping really busy with homework, and the exceptional tweet. ok that's a lie... i spend WAYY too much time on twitter, but so what?! it's freakin amazing! and overly-addicting. but i love it. i cannot count how much interesting, worthwhile and fantastic information i get from this tiny little social media tool. just yesterday i found out the Alexa Vega, that's Carmen from Spy Kids to you, got MARRIED. let me just first throw in a WTF. she looks 12!!! okay... i'll give her 16. but honestly.. anyways. i have also recently started following as many tweeting food trucks in the area after my recent trip to the kogi bbq truck. long story short. the food is UH-mayyzing. go if you've got the chance!! (@kogibbq on twitter). another recent finding actually happened today, apparently the 101 was blocked sometime this afternoon after a band tried to pull some publicity stunt by stopping their band in the middle of the traffic-filled freeway and playing an impromptu (i'm sure it was planned) concert. they were arrested fyi. don't try that on the freeway kids. let alone lunchtime traffic... but hey, it definitely got their name out! and last but not least, i see the occasional celeb sighting straight from D-Land. hopefully somday soon i will receive this information and be able to go stalk a celebrity, meet them, let them know i'm a singer, be hooked up with their agent, sign a record deal, and become an overnight celebrity. i mean... why would you NOT join twitter?! check out all the possibilities people!

well anyways. that's my twitter rave for the day (yes only for the day).

just a quick little ditty before i sign off to continue with my "homework" (aka procrastination and NOT homework) I have recieved two large A's on recent projects in different classes and I am very proud of myself! woohoo! fab start to the semester..

anyways. life is really and truly good right now. been doing lots with gamma phi, getting to know the new girls, HOPEFULLY being elected for an officer position, and all kinds of things. CRUSH on saturday! pics will be posted. i'm also a leader in fca (fellowship of christian athletes) and have been singing and doing some stuff with that. and i also have a boyfriend and things are going really well :) life's just really good right now. i'm in a good place. the one and only thing i think could improve is my relationship with God. i need to up my church attendance, read more verses and really start holding myself accountable. a couple years ago, someone gave me some advice about college, one things was "if you're too tired/hungover/whatever, to go to church, then you need to chill and get yourself back on track" or something along the lines of that. anyways, i do need to take a small step backward. my heart is in the right place i just need to really focus on what's important to me in the long run. ALSO, been working on music lately. i'd like to get more songs written/finished/etc, but on a positive note, my guitar playing is improving! :) so that's good.

anyways. hoping to continue and finish this semester with fabulous grades and an even better mindset than ever. wish me luck!

alright. well that's all for now folks. thanks for reading.

.:mackenzie jill

mistakes.

The past year, I've experienced quite a few mistakes. I'm not just talking about my own screw ups though, this includes the mistakes of others.

I've watched so many friends, family members and more screw up to the max and most of the time all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch them royally screw with their own lives, most of the time unknowingly. I sit by and I can do nothing. Don't even think you have any room to judge though. It's not like I haven't, don't, try to help, but no one listens. I am a helper and a fixer and usually when I see someone in need, I try to help. But sometimes there just comes a point where if the person themselves can't recognize their own insecurities, jealousies, anger, frustrations, ignorance, naïvity, then I can't do anything. I honestly feel that so many things in life could be fixed very easily if people put down their walls of insecurity and realized their own problems. Ignorance, unless at a young age, is not bliss. I can truly say that with conviction. I can't imagine how anyone in their life could be ignorant and still truly happy.

Well back to mistakes. I have always wished, and I know I'm not alone in saying this, that I could turn back time, and fix things that happened. As time goes on though, then I think back to things I thought I used to want to change and realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I, or someone I knew, hadn't screwed up or screwed me over, or if I hadn't screwed something up on my own. Honestly. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am a stronger, smarter, more confident person because of the things I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty screwed up, but ultimately the shit I went through helped build me up. I saw a quote one day that was along the lines of, "A brave person is not someone who can knock away the bricks being thrown at them, but instead it is someone who can use those bricks to build a foundation for their own success." And I hope when it comes down to it, that the bricks that have been thrown at me, and even the bricks I've thrown at myself will help me to become a better person, day after day.

There are only a few things in my life that I wish I could erase from my past, and that one night back in February is one of them. I wish things hadn't gotten that bad. I wish I could have found a better way to work things out. And I wish I could turn back time before that night, but I can't, and it happened... I do miss you. But for now, you will have to pay for your mistakes, and I will have to pay for mine. I just wish neither of us had to.

The process isn't easy, it takes time.

I continually hope for the best, and that's all I can do now. Hope that things will work out, no matter how they actually end up. Hope that in the end, it will work out for the best. Because right now, the way its looking, it's going to take a while to get things back to normal...

If they ever can.

choices.

Well. It's been quite a while since I last posted. I'm home for summer and missing my California life like crazy. Being home has made me realize so many things. And as time goes on, I wish I was back at school more and more.

I've realized something. The reason I like school and my life there so much is not because I'm 1,100 miles away from home and I can do whatever I want. It's not because I have no curfew. It's not because it's sunny in California and has been rainy here at home my entire first month of my so-called "summer." The reason I am so content with Chapman is because it was my choice.

For the first time in my life, I was able to make a major life decision. And luckily I made a good one. But really. I did it, on my own, no one else made that decision for me for once. I realized the reason my friends are so much closer to me is because I chose them also. In a way I guess they were meant for me. But basically I chose them when I chose Chapman.

Ever since I was little, my choices were made for me. My school, my camp, my food, my extra curriculars, and in a way, my friends. Had my parents not chosen my school, I wouldn't have become friends with the people at King's. By choosing Chapman, I paved the way for the friends I made, the life I am now living, and I'm so grateful for it. I already understand why people call it "the best years of your life" and I still have 3 more years to experience what college has to offer me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's had its fair share of downs in the up & down rollercoaster. But honestly I'm grateful for it all. Anything rough or shitty I've ever gone through has made me a stronger person, and once the smoke has cleared I've always made it through. All I ever need to do is pick myself off, dust myself off, tell myself I'm worth more than how I feel at that moment, and move on with a slightly damaged heart and move on toward the path of recovery, and positivity. No one ever gets anywhere in life being negative, and it may seem that negative people get further than you in life, but they aren't happy, so there's no way there anywhere near you.

I've learned a lot the past year, and I've been inspired by so many people and things. But life goes on and it's time for a new chapter of my ever-written book I get to call life.

For now, I will try to make the best of my situation and keep my head up.

checked out Mackenzie @Glee

checked out Mackenzie @Glee