new to this game.

i'm sorry that i don't know what to do.
i'm sorry i don't have any of this figured out.
i'm sorry that it's gonna be difficult.

i wish that i had more experience.
i wish i wasn't closed off.
i wish i had more insight into what the hell is going on.

i want to be perfect.
i want things to work smoothly.
i want it to be easy.

but.
how do you expect me to just know how to do everything right away?

how am i supposed to trust you if you don't trust me?

i put up a front.

because i'm afraid.
afraid of what you can do to me.
afraid of the past.
the past that consisted of boys who hurt.
hurt more than i ever want to be hurt again.
you can only take so much before you just want to be done with it all.
you just want it to end.
but it can't just end without something drastic.
all the bullshit can't simply be ignored.
you brush it away, yet reach for something attainable
something that is positive, stable.
and when you find the good, whatever good it is, you don't ever want to let go.
so you hold on.
hoping that something better is going to come along.
and before you know it, something does.
or so you think.
maybe this time it will be different.
maybe this time he will be different.
but no.
it's always the same.
the same game. the girl.
hurt.
alone.
so how is she expected to simply trust.
free fall into a world she knows nothing about.
trust is sacred because it has slowly deteriorated from years of misuse.
so she keeps up the wall.
the wall that guards her heart, her mind, her thoughts, her love
wishing that maybe it actually will be different this time
but still so unsure of anything, of everything.
in time, it might change, will change.
in time.
nothing lasts forever.
the pain will fade away.
the experiences will be forgotten, forgiven,
but the memories remain.
those of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, abandonment, despair.
times like these she hopes will appear no more.
but nothing is for sure.
nothing can be promised, no matter how many times sworn
no one is perfect.
no one

lost.

missing a boy. haven't talked to him in a while. but very excited to see him tomorrow. currently doing homework. sorta. listening to train, miley cyrus, vertical horizon, tay swift, and more... hungry. tired. exhausted. worn out. excited to see mom allie & amy in 2 days.

the worst part of my week. stressing about grades because if i don't find a way to pull them up there's a chance i won't pass & if that happens, my GPA will be under 3.0 and I will lose my scholarship. i don't know how my parents are going to react to this kind of thing so i haven't told them. shit. and then spanish i'm also struggling, but i'm pretty sure i can keep that above a C- so i'm moving it to pass fail. it sucks that i only have 13 credits because it means i can't drop a class, so basically i'm stuck in a hell hole right now. shit. damn. mother f.

i need god right now. where are you. i'm lost.

new song.

I can’t decide if this is right.
Do you really want me to choose tonight?
My heart is split in two.
You see I’m falling head over heels for you.

I feel like I gotta slow down and look at
Everything I have before me
I know this should be an easy choice
But I, don’t know if I wanna complicate, the thing we have between us

[chorus]
I gotta make my mind up, push on through
Cuz this just isn’t fair to you
I know you’re waitin’, waitin’ on me
To give an answer on what we should be
But wait, stop, please don’t push me
Boy you know, you just, just can’t rush me
And this is a big decision, so Hold On

This, is the time for me to decide
How, I’m gonna, live my life
And if, you’re gonna be a part
Boy just please, don’t, break my heart