mistakes.

The past year, I've experienced quite a few mistakes. I'm not just talking about my own screw ups though, this includes the mistakes of others.

I've watched so many friends, family members and more screw up to the max and most of the time all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch them royally screw with their own lives, most of the time unknowingly. I sit by and I can do nothing. Don't even think you have any room to judge though. It's not like I haven't, don't, try to help, but no one listens. I am a helper and a fixer and usually when I see someone in need, I try to help. But sometimes there just comes a point where if the person themselves can't recognize their own insecurities, jealousies, anger, frustrations, ignorance, naïvity, then I can't do anything. I honestly feel that so many things in life could be fixed very easily if people put down their walls of insecurity and realized their own problems. Ignorance, unless at a young age, is not bliss. I can truly say that with conviction. I can't imagine how anyone in their life could be ignorant and still truly happy.

Well back to mistakes. I have always wished, and I know I'm not alone in saying this, that I could turn back time, and fix things that happened. As time goes on though, then I think back to things I thought I used to want to change and realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I, or someone I knew, hadn't screwed up or screwed me over, or if I hadn't screwed something up on my own. Honestly. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am a stronger, smarter, more confident person because of the things I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty screwed up, but ultimately the shit I went through helped build me up. I saw a quote one day that was along the lines of, "A brave person is not someone who can knock away the bricks being thrown at them, but instead it is someone who can use those bricks to build a foundation for their own success." And I hope when it comes down to it, that the bricks that have been thrown at me, and even the bricks I've thrown at myself will help me to become a better person, day after day.

There are only a few things in my life that I wish I could erase from my past, and that one night back in February is one of them. I wish things hadn't gotten that bad. I wish I could have found a better way to work things out. And I wish I could turn back time before that night, but I can't, and it happened... I do miss you. But for now, you will have to pay for your mistakes, and I will have to pay for mine. I just wish neither of us had to.

The process isn't easy, it takes time.

I continually hope for the best, and that's all I can do now. Hope that things will work out, no matter how they actually end up. Hope that in the end, it will work out for the best. Because right now, the way its looking, it's going to take a while to get things back to normal...

If they ever can.

choices.

Well. It's been quite a while since I last posted. I'm home for summer and missing my California life like crazy. Being home has made me realize so many things. And as time goes on, I wish I was back at school more and more.

I've realized something. The reason I like school and my life there so much is not because I'm 1,100 miles away from home and I can do whatever I want. It's not because I have no curfew. It's not because it's sunny in California and has been rainy here at home my entire first month of my so-called "summer." The reason I am so content with Chapman is because it was my choice.

For the first time in my life, I was able to make a major life decision. And luckily I made a good one. But really. I did it, on my own, no one else made that decision for me for once. I realized the reason my friends are so much closer to me is because I chose them also. In a way I guess they were meant for me. But basically I chose them when I chose Chapman.

Ever since I was little, my choices were made for me. My school, my camp, my food, my extra curriculars, and in a way, my friends. Had my parents not chosen my school, I wouldn't have become friends with the people at King's. By choosing Chapman, I paved the way for the friends I made, the life I am now living, and I'm so grateful for it. I already understand why people call it "the best years of your life" and I still have 3 more years to experience what college has to offer me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's had its fair share of downs in the up & down rollercoaster. But honestly I'm grateful for it all. Anything rough or shitty I've ever gone through has made me a stronger person, and once the smoke has cleared I've always made it through. All I ever need to do is pick myself off, dust myself off, tell myself I'm worth more than how I feel at that moment, and move on with a slightly damaged heart and move on toward the path of recovery, and positivity. No one ever gets anywhere in life being negative, and it may seem that negative people get further than you in life, but they aren't happy, so there's no way there anywhere near you.

I've learned a lot the past year, and I've been inspired by so many people and things. But life goes on and it's time for a new chapter of my ever-written book I get to call life.

For now, I will try to make the best of my situation and keep my head up.