mistakes.

The past year, I've experienced quite a few mistakes. I'm not just talking about my own screw ups though, this includes the mistakes of others.

I've watched so many friends, family members and more screw up to the max and most of the time all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch them royally screw with their own lives, most of the time unknowingly. I sit by and I can do nothing. Don't even think you have any room to judge though. It's not like I haven't, don't, try to help, but no one listens. I am a helper and a fixer and usually when I see someone in need, I try to help. But sometimes there just comes a point where if the person themselves can't recognize their own insecurities, jealousies, anger, frustrations, ignorance, naïvity, then I can't do anything. I honestly feel that so many things in life could be fixed very easily if people put down their walls of insecurity and realized their own problems. Ignorance, unless at a young age, is not bliss. I can truly say that with conviction. I can't imagine how anyone in their life could be ignorant and still truly happy.

Well back to mistakes. I have always wished, and I know I'm not alone in saying this, that I could turn back time, and fix things that happened. As time goes on though, then I think back to things I thought I used to want to change and realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I, or someone I knew, hadn't screwed up or screwed me over, or if I hadn't screwed something up on my own. Honestly. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am a stronger, smarter, more confident person because of the things I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty screwed up, but ultimately the shit I went through helped build me up. I saw a quote one day that was along the lines of, "A brave person is not someone who can knock away the bricks being thrown at them, but instead it is someone who can use those bricks to build a foundation for their own success." And I hope when it comes down to it, that the bricks that have been thrown at me, and even the bricks I've thrown at myself will help me to become a better person, day after day.

There are only a few things in my life that I wish I could erase from my past, and that one night back in February is one of them. I wish things hadn't gotten that bad. I wish I could have found a better way to work things out. And I wish I could turn back time before that night, but I can't, and it happened... I do miss you. But for now, you will have to pay for your mistakes, and I will have to pay for mine. I just wish neither of us had to.

The process isn't easy, it takes time.

I continually hope for the best, and that's all I can do now. Hope that things will work out, no matter how they actually end up. Hope that in the end, it will work out for the best. Because right now, the way its looking, it's going to take a while to get things back to normal...

If they ever can.