motivation my a**.

so i've been at this place for quite some time now where i have so much i want to blog about, and yet, it's so much, i don't want to just have a crazy long list of things i'm complaining about. and yet, i want to write about something. half the stuff i want to write down, i don't think others should read, and the other stuff is me just rambling, yet again, about how much my life sucks. but i guess that's part of the reason i started this blog anyways, to keep whoever actually reads this blog (aka no one) updated on my life. whether it's going well or terribly.

i've gotten to this point in my life as of right now where i have absolutely no CLUE what i'm doing with my life. i don't have a job, REALLY need one, yet i am too lazy to get one. my ultimate DREAM job would be to become a professional singer (my life goal is to have at least ONE hit single on the radio) and yet, i won't do anything to further that burning desire (or the one to become an actress). i want good grades but have TERRIBLE study habits, can't ever focus, and dislike all the material i learn about in school. i have no passion for anything. nothing. i feel like i'm just going through the motions, hoping something will hit me. and i guess that's kind of how it works for most people. maybe it's someone who already has a life direction, but one day gets smacked in the face with a reality check or finds their life passion just randomly. and maybe that's going to happeen to me & i really hope it does, because that would be fabulous. but what am i supposed to do until then?? just sit around being lazy and pretend like i have a plan, or SOMETHING in mind?? i feel so utterly helpless and yet i am supposed to take control of my own life....

i just don't know where to go from here. here's the things. for my life, i have a lot of options. whether that's job opportunities, internships, travel opportunities, WHATEVER! i'm well connected. i don't mean that in a bragging way, because it's really just relevant to my situation. what i mean by that, is i have SO many different things i could do, so many AMAZING things i could do, and yet, i haven't found one that i'm truly excited about, or that i'm enough excited about to DO anything about changing it. you know what i mean? i mean, heck, i could be completely alone in this situation. but i feel like i'm no the first person to experience this kind of thing. you know, not knowing what i'm doing here, why, how, for what purpose.... the list goes on. but i think it boils down to me being absolutely, completely, 100% unmotivated. i think that's all it is. so how the CRAP am i supposed to change that. is motivation just gonna wake me up one day, kick me in the ass and say CHANGE! YOU'RE NOW PASSIONATE ABOUT (BLANK)! (and yes, motivation would obviously speak in all caps)

okay, but in all reality. i don't care how it happens.. whether it's something super basic, or something that requires a billboard the size of a skyscraper.

i'd simply just like to find my passion.

k?

and yet again, this turns back to God. prayer seems to be the only unanswered, answerable question. if that makes sense. basically, i need to pray and know God's got this one taken care of. it's just me & my stubborn, puny, dumb little human self wanting more instantly.

like i learned in church the other day. I need to be joyful, truly joyful, more often.

the end.
kenz

trying to jump over hurdles.

basically the past few weeks have been hell. straight up.

i got an ear infection one week. the next week i was in class, got a stomach ache, went to the bathroom, blacked out on the way in, woke up ten minutes later on a toilet (arm IN the toilet water) face hurting, and threw up a minute later. then i later realized i had bruises all over my body: side of the face, forehead, ribs, & hip bone. not to mention, i didn't get into the major i applied for and i'm stressed out about my classes. and i've kinda lost touch with god. then there's the relationship troubles thrown in. stress with roommates. trying to keep my pig sty of a house clean, staying healthy. staying on top of homework, etc. i'm just really stressed. also, i think i have a slight eating disorder. i mean not really. but i'm lazy & don't work out, i have gained weight in a couple places i don't want to, i eat differently to try and balance that out. probably the worst idea ever but i'm trying so hard to balance living on my own and all the stress involved with that and i feel so alone without my family, especially my mom. i never really realized how dependent i was on my family until this year. oh & one more thing: money is stressing me out SOOOOOO much. I really really really really need a job. that's definitely stressing me out a TON. i want a job but i'm nervous that i won't be able to stay on top of everything i want & need to...

i feel like literally everything around me is working against me. very little seems to be going right and all i'm getting out of these situations is that: 1) i can't really on anyone for anything, they will let me down or piss me off; 2)if i become a person who talks to no one, i won't have to stress about getting upset over certain things; 3) i hate school and feel like i don't belong here; 4) everything is a let down in life; 5) i'm the only one who will ever do anything good for ME.

so what's the point.

all that's keeping me positive is some Taylor Swift, but there's some pretty freakin' depressing songs in her new album....

i'm just at a point where i have no idea what to do. i've become very emotional lately. sucks.

what i am supposed to do when every situation i encounter pushes me back 2 steps.

i don't seem to be moving forward. at all

mother f.

help.

wow.

i have so much to say about this week that i definitely should not write down.

so all i'm gonna say is, what else could go wrong? like really though...

damn.

frustrated & confused.

so here's the deal. plans can change in a matter of seconds without a moment's notice. so when i found out my application for PR/Ad was due 2 1/2 weeks earlier than i thought, i was definitely freaking out. but, i mustered all my strength and wit and advertising knowledge and dropped everything to pull together the application that the rest of my college career depends on. and luckily everyone was very supportive of me. or so i thought...

sometimes plans change. people do other stuff and can't always be with others 24/7 no matter what the relationship. i'm the kind of person who won't freak out if plans change, unless it's like a big things that i was really looking forward to. but even so, i usually am upset for a short while and then i move on. real quick. i get over stuff fairly quickly, at least the little things. yes, big stuff bugs me. so what. that's not my fault. it's just the way God made me. i am okay with change, i try not to hold grudges, i'm fairly good at letting things go. that's who i am. so when other people aren't like that, it confuses me. i mean i'm certainly accepting of how they react towards something but when someone can be a hypocrite all the time about something and then come back and blame me for something, that's when i get pissed.

the only people i'm okay with getting mad at me about this kind of thing is my family. i don't like letting people down, at all, so i've become a fairly indecisive person to give way to someone else's ideas or plans. i'm a people pleaser, i go with the flow. i certainly have my own ideas about things and i am in NO way a pushover, trust me, but i like to see people happy when they plan stuff. i don't like conflict, unless necessary. i don't like fighting with friends because friends aren't always going to be there. so when i get pushed around, i'm gonna react. if something bugs me, a lot of times i won't say anything to the person who is bugging me because there's no point in arguing over something i know i'm going to be over in a short while. i just like to let things blow over most of the time. but. when i do want to talk about things, i have the hardest time doing it face to face.

i don't know why but ideas tend to come easier to me when i right them down. when i try to talk to someone about something important, i feel like i just have too many things to say and i can't organize all my thoughts and then i just always miss out on what i really want to say because i forget. i'm a very unorganized person in my head. that's why i like writing, because i can organize everything i'm thinking into something that actually makes sense. altho i can't always get everything out, and i tend to till forget stuff, it just sounds better when i'm able to organize it better. i don't like seeming like a bumbling idiot when i'm trying to get a point across, but that is exactly what happens when someone asks to talk face to face, or not let me write my thoughts down. it's not that i don't want to talk face to face, i can't. i'm embarrassed cuz i feel like i just can't get it right, ever. i don't like the feeling of being out of control and that's how i feel when i try and talk about something important, especially when i'm upset because that just magnifies things a hundred times worse... and yet, in spite of all this, i still do it. to please people.

so those are my thoughts, although i probably still forgot something. =P

.:mackenzie

maturity.

seeing as i'm in my second year of college, i'd say i'm fairly well versed in the habits of college students, older and younger than me. and being the people watcher that i am boy do i always have lots to say about my fellow peers.

first of i'd like to say how much more grateful i've become have the upbringing i did. i grew up in a normal home with a fairly normal, or so i thought. but i mean that in a completely good way. as i get older i realize how amazing my parents are and how they raised me to be the person i am today. and i'm especially grateful about the schooling i received. yes, i hated it while i was there but king's prepared me for so much and i'd even venture to say i was put in the higher half of the population of smartness measurement because of them. as the months of college go by, i realize how mature and prepared i am for a lot of things, more so than other students. don't get me wrong, i don't mean this in a cruel, i'm-better-than-you, egotistical way it may come off. i'm simply saying i'm grateful for the things i've gone through in life because i feel that everything i've experienced has thoroughly prepared me for the present and future.

some people... i just don't even know where to start. but to put it simply. not everyone is as mature or can deal with certain situations as much you probably should be as a young adult, approaching the completely legal age... it's just upsetting i guess to see people, or friends be stupid about stuff.... whatever. i'm probably just over reacting.

good start. better finish.

so far this year is getting off to a great start. okay, yes it's already almost 2 months into the semester, so not exactly "just started" but whatever. writing this now just means i have been SUPER busy. which means good things. basically. i'm loving sophomore year so far :) yes it's had it's ups and downs but so far i'm really happy. i like all my classes (except business. ew.) and i'm even doing pretty well in all of them! good grades = happy kenzie, happy parents, happy professors, and basically an all over happy experience.

i've been keeping really busy with homework, and the exceptional tweet. ok that's a lie... i spend WAYY too much time on twitter, but so what?! it's freakin amazing! and overly-addicting. but i love it. i cannot count how much interesting, worthwhile and fantastic information i get from this tiny little social media tool. just yesterday i found out the Alexa Vega, that's Carmen from Spy Kids to you, got MARRIED. let me just first throw in a WTF. she looks 12!!! okay... i'll give her 16. but honestly.. anyways. i have also recently started following as many tweeting food trucks in the area after my recent trip to the kogi bbq truck. long story short. the food is UH-mayyzing. go if you've got the chance!! (@kogibbq on twitter). another recent finding actually happened today, apparently the 101 was blocked sometime this afternoon after a band tried to pull some publicity stunt by stopping their band in the middle of the traffic-filled freeway and playing an impromptu (i'm sure it was planned) concert. they were arrested fyi. don't try that on the freeway kids. let alone lunchtime traffic... but hey, it definitely got their name out! and last but not least, i see the occasional celeb sighting straight from D-Land. hopefully somday soon i will receive this information and be able to go stalk a celebrity, meet them, let them know i'm a singer, be hooked up with their agent, sign a record deal, and become an overnight celebrity. i mean... why would you NOT join twitter?! check out all the possibilities people!

well anyways. that's my twitter rave for the day (yes only for the day).

just a quick little ditty before i sign off to continue with my "homework" (aka procrastination and NOT homework) I have recieved two large A's on recent projects in different classes and I am very proud of myself! woohoo! fab start to the semester..

anyways. life is really and truly good right now. been doing lots with gamma phi, getting to know the new girls, HOPEFULLY being elected for an officer position, and all kinds of things. CRUSH on saturday! pics will be posted. i'm also a leader in fca (fellowship of christian athletes) and have been singing and doing some stuff with that. and i also have a boyfriend and things are going really well :) life's just really good right now. i'm in a good place. the one and only thing i think could improve is my relationship with God. i need to up my church attendance, read more verses and really start holding myself accountable. a couple years ago, someone gave me some advice about college, one things was "if you're too tired/hungover/whatever, to go to church, then you need to chill and get yourself back on track" or something along the lines of that. anyways, i do need to take a small step backward. my heart is in the right place i just need to really focus on what's important to me in the long run. ALSO, been working on music lately. i'd like to get more songs written/finished/etc, but on a positive note, my guitar playing is improving! :) so that's good.

anyways. hoping to continue and finish this semester with fabulous grades and an even better mindset than ever. wish me luck!

alright. well that's all for now folks. thanks for reading.

.:mackenzie jill

mistakes.

The past year, I've experienced quite a few mistakes. I'm not just talking about my own screw ups though, this includes the mistakes of others.

I've watched so many friends, family members and more screw up to the max and most of the time all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch them royally screw with their own lives, most of the time unknowingly. I sit by and I can do nothing. Don't even think you have any room to judge though. It's not like I haven't, don't, try to help, but no one listens. I am a helper and a fixer and usually when I see someone in need, I try to help. But sometimes there just comes a point where if the person themselves can't recognize their own insecurities, jealousies, anger, frustrations, ignorance, naïvity, then I can't do anything. I honestly feel that so many things in life could be fixed very easily if people put down their walls of insecurity and realized their own problems. Ignorance, unless at a young age, is not bliss. I can truly say that with conviction. I can't imagine how anyone in their life could be ignorant and still truly happy.

Well back to mistakes. I have always wished, and I know I'm not alone in saying this, that I could turn back time, and fix things that happened. As time goes on though, then I think back to things I thought I used to want to change and realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I, or someone I knew, hadn't screwed up or screwed me over, or if I hadn't screwed something up on my own. Honestly. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am a stronger, smarter, more confident person because of the things I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty screwed up, but ultimately the shit I went through helped build me up. I saw a quote one day that was along the lines of, "A brave person is not someone who can knock away the bricks being thrown at them, but instead it is someone who can use those bricks to build a foundation for their own success." And I hope when it comes down to it, that the bricks that have been thrown at me, and even the bricks I've thrown at myself will help me to become a better person, day after day.

There are only a few things in my life that I wish I could erase from my past, and that one night back in February is one of them. I wish things hadn't gotten that bad. I wish I could have found a better way to work things out. And I wish I could turn back time before that night, but I can't, and it happened... I do miss you. But for now, you will have to pay for your mistakes, and I will have to pay for mine. I just wish neither of us had to.

The process isn't easy, it takes time.

I continually hope for the best, and that's all I can do now. Hope that things will work out, no matter how they actually end up. Hope that in the end, it will work out for the best. Because right now, the way its looking, it's going to take a while to get things back to normal...

If they ever can.