well!
i've been sick for wayyyyyy too long. and it's put me in such a bad mood lately... i hate it :(
it makes me homesick, aggravates my stress levels, and makes me so worn out.
and it's not good to have any of this when i'm 2,000 miles away from home & my mom, have 7 classes a week, and can't just put everything on hold to heal myself...
this sickness could not come at a worse time in my life. it sucks so bad. i want home. i want my mom. i want to be better.
awesome.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
gimmicks.
has anyone else realized how many gimmicks, scams, "contests", and crap that are thrown at us everyday? you open your e-mail and you have 20 e-mails on how you can win a $500 gift card, or win a free iPod or laptop. on facebook you have a billion different ads advertising free products left and right. what all these "free" contests fail to tell you is there's a catch, there's always some sort of ploy that will make you sign up for some free trial, or make you text some random thing, and then the companies go and steal your information, and it just spirals into a continuation of lies. what i'm getting at is how there are so many things in life that have a catch. no matter what, you're almost always guaranteed a problem when something seems to be too good to be true.
and yes, i'm comparing this not only to e-mails, or facebook, but everyday, real life. everything you go through, each thing you face that seems to good to be true, usually is exactly that, too good to be true. there always seems to be some sort of catch in whatever we go through. you get good grades in a high school, but then comes college. you do well on a sports team, and then you break your ankle and you're out for the season. you find something you like, or love, and it always seems to get ruined somehow.
okay, maybe i'm just pulling out the whole whiny act, but really, i'm just saying how i feel and what i've experienced. everything good that i find somehow is ruined, or i find a catch. nothing so far is truly good. and i'm just sick of it. why can't i be happy for some period of time. something i always wrong, no matter what...
it just begins to wear you down after a while. after the same things keep happening over & over. i recently heard the definition of "insane" doing the same thing over & over again, but expecting different results each time. i really and truly feel insane if that's what it means then. so, obviously, based on this definition, i am insane. because i keep doing the same thing and hoping for something to change each time, but instead i end up the same. hurt. and yes, i get over it, but only after a while, or after i begin my next pursuit. so maybe i need to change my ways and move on from what i keep doing. but how exactly am i supposed to do that? i have no clue. because it's just my every day life that i'm trying to live. it's like i'm attempting at some ridiculous feat, or something virtually impossible.
it's everyday normal shit. so what am i doing wrong?
why is nothing working...
i'm just so tired of being wrong all the time.
and yes, i'm comparing this not only to e-mails, or facebook, but everyday, real life. everything you go through, each thing you face that seems to good to be true, usually is exactly that, too good to be true. there always seems to be some sort of catch in whatever we go through. you get good grades in a high school, but then comes college. you do well on a sports team, and then you break your ankle and you're out for the season. you find something you like, or love, and it always seems to get ruined somehow.
okay, maybe i'm just pulling out the whole whiny act, but really, i'm just saying how i feel and what i've experienced. everything good that i find somehow is ruined, or i find a catch. nothing so far is truly good. and i'm just sick of it. why can't i be happy for some period of time. something i always wrong, no matter what...
it just begins to wear you down after a while. after the same things keep happening over & over. i recently heard the definition of "insane" doing the same thing over & over again, but expecting different results each time. i really and truly feel insane if that's what it means then. so, obviously, based on this definition, i am insane. because i keep doing the same thing and hoping for something to change each time, but instead i end up the same. hurt. and yes, i get over it, but only after a while, or after i begin my next pursuit. so maybe i need to change my ways and move on from what i keep doing. but how exactly am i supposed to do that? i have no clue. because it's just my every day life that i'm trying to live. it's like i'm attempting at some ridiculous feat, or something virtually impossible.
it's everyday normal shit. so what am i doing wrong?
why is nothing working...
i'm just so tired of being wrong all the time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
the yes girl..
im getting mixed feelings from you world
some people say, ignore what you hear, ignore what they tell you, well at least the negative stuff. go pursue your dreams, whatever they are.
so what then, is it true that i can get whatever i want if i work hard at it? honestly i would love to say yes, but its not true. yes, if i work hard enough ill get a lot of what i want, but not everything is obtainable.
i think of it this way, God wants to protect us from whatever is harmful to us. like in the garden of eden. we are so much like adam and eve. we have so much going for us, so much at our disposal, so much that we are given, surrounding us, in abundance. yet, all we see is that one burden, obstacle, that One thing we cant have, and we let it tear us down. we let it tempt us to try and overcome it. we see it as a challenge, when in reality, the reason we sometimes see it as unobtainable is because god is trying to protect us simply from what can damage and destroy us. but i guess thats human nature. another kind of quote i keep thinking of is from the rockharbor "sex, love, and God" event i went to. the guy was talking and said "instead of focusing on all the 'yesses' you are given, we focus on the one 'no'"...
so. here’s the plan. focus on what i CAN have instead of what i cannot. i have been given talents, i have been given opportunity, i have been given loving family and amazing friends that i know i wouldn't be anywhere without, i have been given so much in my life. so instead of taking it all for granted and pouting about what i cant do, lets continue on with what i can. try my hardest in what i know i can do, and ignore the stupd thoughts reminding me of what i cant, because that only breaks me down
so here’s to a new start, a new beginning, a new view on life.
im done with self tearing down. im done with telling myself i cant. im done. because im the one person who will always tell myself yes.
so...
yes, i can be a singer.
yes, i can get good grades.
yes, i can have a better workout mindset.
yes, i can look at life with a positive mindset.
yes, i deserve happiness.
yes, i will find the perfect guy for me eventually.
yes, I am beautiful…
Let’s do this.
Got my game face on.
Bring it.
some people say, ignore what you hear, ignore what they tell you, well at least the negative stuff. go pursue your dreams, whatever they are.
so what then, is it true that i can get whatever i want if i work hard at it? honestly i would love to say yes, but its not true. yes, if i work hard enough ill get a lot of what i want, but not everything is obtainable.
i think of it this way, God wants to protect us from whatever is harmful to us. like in the garden of eden. we are so much like adam and eve. we have so much going for us, so much at our disposal, so much that we are given, surrounding us, in abundance. yet, all we see is that one burden, obstacle, that One thing we cant have, and we let it tear us down. we let it tempt us to try and overcome it. we see it as a challenge, when in reality, the reason we sometimes see it as unobtainable is because god is trying to protect us simply from what can damage and destroy us. but i guess thats human nature. another kind of quote i keep thinking of is from the rockharbor "sex, love, and God" event i went to. the guy was talking and said "instead of focusing on all the 'yesses' you are given, we focus on the one 'no'"...
so. here’s the plan. focus on what i CAN have instead of what i cannot. i have been given talents, i have been given opportunity, i have been given loving family and amazing friends that i know i wouldn't be anywhere without, i have been given so much in my life. so instead of taking it all for granted and pouting about what i cant do, lets continue on with what i can. try my hardest in what i know i can do, and ignore the stupd thoughts reminding me of what i cant, because that only breaks me down
so here’s to a new start, a new beginning, a new view on life.
im done with self tearing down. im done with telling myself i cant. im done. because im the one person who will always tell myself yes.
so...
yes, i can be a singer.
yes, i can get good grades.
yes, i can have a better workout mindset.
yes, i can look at life with a positive mindset.
yes, i deserve happiness.
yes, i will find the perfect guy for me eventually.
yes, I am beautiful…
Let’s do this.
Got my game face on.
Bring it.
good times.
It's times like these that make me so grateful of the good happy times I have had with people I love. times when I'm sick and sitting in bed bored out of my mind but not able to fall asleep that I think of the fun times I've had and fun times I will have. I always have to remember that I should never take for granted the time I spend with people I love.
I'm so blessed in my life, and I need to be constantly reminded of that. Yes, I've gone through some down-right shitty things, but that's only in my opinion, and only at the time that I'm going through it. Because after the fact, basically after I've gotten over myself, I realize how much worse off people are. There are children losing parents, losing legs, dying of sickness, people getting shot, losing their income and houses, losing hope and heart, and there I was, crying over a break-up.
I feel so selfish when I go through these kind of things and whine about it, but sometimes you have to be. I'm not justifying my self-pity but I'm not denying it. Sometimes in order to heal yourself, you need to take time for yourself. However much time that is, you'll know. You'll know when things are fixed, or better, or you'll know when you need more time, more space. Whatever it is, you'll know.
I guess when I have time to think, I usually take time to put things in perspective. Yes, sometimes I just take some time to whine to myself, and pity myself. But when the dust has cleared it just makes me realize that tomorrow is still going to come. You can whine as much as you want, but it's going to happen. It's your choice to make that day good or bad. You have the option of staying positive and keeping yourself out of a rut. No matter what people say you have the ability to ignore the bad stuff and let yourself be who you want to be. I mean, certainly it's easier said than done, and I'm the last one to take my own advice. But really, if I just stepped back and looked at everything, I'd realize how much better off I'd be if I chose to make things better for myself.
Of course I can let people dictate my own future, but I have so much more power than them when it comes to me. I know me. I know who I am, how I act, what I like and don't like, how I react to things, and what motivates me. So why not take the power out of someone else's hands and give that power back to myself.
I can choose to be happy or sad. So why would I choose sad...
I'm so blessed in my life, and I need to be constantly reminded of that. Yes, I've gone through some down-right shitty things, but that's only in my opinion, and only at the time that I'm going through it. Because after the fact, basically after I've gotten over myself, I realize how much worse off people are. There are children losing parents, losing legs, dying of sickness, people getting shot, losing their income and houses, losing hope and heart, and there I was, crying over a break-up.
I feel so selfish when I go through these kind of things and whine about it, but sometimes you have to be. I'm not justifying my self-pity but I'm not denying it. Sometimes in order to heal yourself, you need to take time for yourself. However much time that is, you'll know. You'll know when things are fixed, or better, or you'll know when you need more time, more space. Whatever it is, you'll know.
I guess when I have time to think, I usually take time to put things in perspective. Yes, sometimes I just take some time to whine to myself, and pity myself. But when the dust has cleared it just makes me realize that tomorrow is still going to come. You can whine as much as you want, but it's going to happen. It's your choice to make that day good or bad. You have the option of staying positive and keeping yourself out of a rut. No matter what people say you have the ability to ignore the bad stuff and let yourself be who you want to be. I mean, certainly it's easier said than done, and I'm the last one to take my own advice. But really, if I just stepped back and looked at everything, I'd realize how much better off I'd be if I chose to make things better for myself.
Of course I can let people dictate my own future, but I have so much more power than them when it comes to me. I know me. I know who I am, how I act, what I like and don't like, how I react to things, and what motivates me. So why not take the power out of someone else's hands and give that power back to myself.
I can choose to be happy or sad. So why would I choose sad...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
baby steps.
So things are starting to look up right now.
Everything that I’ve been complaining about, or at least stressing about in my life, seems to be getting better.
First of all, the ex and I are on good terms. I had to help him all day cuz he was really sick. And although last night we had a long talk about how its gonna be hard, and tears were shed, I can tell things are gonna be good. I think we’re just better as friends. It’s gonna be hard still, mostly for him, to treat this as just a friendship, but I think, or at least hope that it will work out. After hanging out with him for several hours yesterday I realized I like being his friend more than anything.
It's not going to get better or back to normal instantly, just baby steps.
Then, there’s the issue of my involvement in school activities. Whether that was with Gamma Phi, or just school stuff in general. I’ve been feeling really detached from everything and it was getting really hard to see the point of being all the way out here, away from my friends and family and my whole life back in Seattle. I felt super detached, mostly Gamma Phi, and being to doubt whether or not it is all worth it; being at school, or in Gamma Phi or whatever. But now, things are looking up. I’m getting more involved with G-Phi, and even with school stuff. Well, at least with FCA, which is a cool group and I can tell it’ll be a good thing for me to be involved with. It’ll be kind of like a youth group, and definitely something I need. And I might be joining to worship team, or leadership team, which would be cool (either of those). So that’s really fun.
But it's not an instant change, just baby steps.
Which brings me to my next positive; Lent. I’ve decided to give up facebook and soda for Lent. And both are going to be hard, I know. But I’m still going to do it. Facebook is a no-brainer on why I’m giving it up for Lent. Kalie put it best when she said, “How many times a day do you just have random free time and instead of going to God, or reading the Bible, you go to facebook and just waste time.” SO ya. I’m hoping to change that “time-wasting” into God-time, or Bible-time, or even homework time because I’m planning on good grades this semester. But just to sum it up, I'm giving up facebook because it's a time-waster in my life & not a necessary thing. And then there’s soda. The reason I’m giving it up is because, one, it’s not good for me, and two, because, although I’m not giving up caffeine entirely, I depend on soda to give me caffeine (aka energy) during the day. When, if i just opened up the Bible, or threw up a little shout-out prayer to God, I could get that energy I need from him. So we’ll see how this works out. Although I certainly have my coffee/some caffeine, I know soda will be a good thing for me. Because after it’s done, it’s going to be something that I’ll hopefully be able to stick to, and not just do it for 40 days and give up. I want to turn it into a long term commitment.
It starts with baby steps.
So there ya go, a little catch up on my day-to-day life.
Things are going pretty well. compared to the last few weeks.
I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, and I’m more optimistic about the future and just stuff going on in my life in general.
And I hope it stays this way because I'm liking it.
Liking it so much more than the stress and pain I felt the last several weeks, because it was breaking me down slowly.
So yep. I'm definitely going to start keeping up with this blog more now that I don't have facebook.
I have another blog, but that's turned into more of a diary/rant page for me. And I don't really want other people reading it, even thought part of me does.
So there ya go!
Peace!
Love, Kenzie :)
Everything that I’ve been complaining about, or at least stressing about in my life, seems to be getting better.
First of all, the ex and I are on good terms. I had to help him all day cuz he was really sick. And although last night we had a long talk about how its gonna be hard, and tears were shed, I can tell things are gonna be good. I think we’re just better as friends. It’s gonna be hard still, mostly for him, to treat this as just a friendship, but I think, or at least hope that it will work out. After hanging out with him for several hours yesterday I realized I like being his friend more than anything.
It's not going to get better or back to normal instantly, just baby steps.
Then, there’s the issue of my involvement in school activities. Whether that was with Gamma Phi, or just school stuff in general. I’ve been feeling really detached from everything and it was getting really hard to see the point of being all the way out here, away from my friends and family and my whole life back in Seattle. I felt super detached, mostly Gamma Phi, and being to doubt whether or not it is all worth it; being at school, or in Gamma Phi or whatever. But now, things are looking up. I’m getting more involved with G-Phi, and even with school stuff. Well, at least with FCA, which is a cool group and I can tell it’ll be a good thing for me to be involved with. It’ll be kind of like a youth group, and definitely something I need. And I might be joining to worship team, or leadership team, which would be cool (either of those). So that’s really fun.
But it's not an instant change, just baby steps.
Which brings me to my next positive; Lent. I’ve decided to give up facebook and soda for Lent. And both are going to be hard, I know. But I’m still going to do it. Facebook is a no-brainer on why I’m giving it up for Lent. Kalie put it best when she said, “How many times a day do you just have random free time and instead of going to God, or reading the Bible, you go to facebook and just waste time.” SO ya. I’m hoping to change that “time-wasting” into God-time, or Bible-time, or even homework time because I’m planning on good grades this semester. But just to sum it up, I'm giving up facebook because it's a time-waster in my life & not a necessary thing. And then there’s soda. The reason I’m giving it up is because, one, it’s not good for me, and two, because, although I’m not giving up caffeine entirely, I depend on soda to give me caffeine (aka energy) during the day. When, if i just opened up the Bible, or threw up a little shout-out prayer to God, I could get that energy I need from him. So we’ll see how this works out. Although I certainly have my coffee/some caffeine, I know soda will be a good thing for me. Because after it’s done, it’s going to be something that I’ll hopefully be able to stick to, and not just do it for 40 days and give up. I want to turn it into a long term commitment.
It starts with baby steps.
So there ya go, a little catch up on my day-to-day life.
Things are going pretty well. compared to the last few weeks.
I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, and I’m more optimistic about the future and just stuff going on in my life in general.
And I hope it stays this way because I'm liking it.
Liking it so much more than the stress and pain I felt the last several weeks, because it was breaking me down slowly.
So yep. I'm definitely going to start keeping up with this blog more now that I don't have facebook.
I have another blog, but that's turned into more of a diary/rant page for me. And I don't really want other people reading it, even thought part of me does.
So there ya go!
Peace!
Love, Kenzie :)
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