what do i do..

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when u hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to ur heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch u sleep..wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,who wants to show you off to the whole world, who holds ur hand infront of his friends, who thinks ur jst as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding u of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you..."

But it should also say...
who will respect you when you ask him to stop bugging you, who will respect you asking him to leave and let you figure out your thoughts, who won't smother you, who won't do PDA in public if you're uncomfortable with it, who won't let things get too serious too quick, who won't pressure her EVER, who won't get jealous over stupid things, who will allow her to be her own person, who won't try to control her, who will let her make her own decisions, no matter how pissed he is he'll NEVER take it out on her or hurt her, who feels like he doesn't deserve her and actually acts like it, who will let things happen as they will.

i don't know if i love him. but i can't take us not talking. he's so much more of a best friend than a boyfriend. and i love that and dont want to lose it. i dont know what to do. i dont have anything figured out. this is the first time. you expect so much of me, and i let you down because what you want is currently unattainable. you pressure me, but i cant, dont know what to do, and dont want to. i am new, not the old one. totally different, yet i feel like you treat it the same. but right now, everything is feeling wrong. jealousy. pressure. ignorance. expectations. different morals. different standards. just different.

before everything seemed so good. but as we go on i feel like im somehow blamed for everything. like everything is on me to not screw this up but no one is perfect. i cant handle taking care of you, when i can barely take care of myself. maturity. you want it, but we're so young. its too hard to plan anything. the future is unpredictable.

im sorry. but i honest to god haven't a CLUE what to do right now.