trying to jump over hurdles.

basically the past few weeks have been hell. straight up.

i got an ear infection one week. the next week i was in class, got a stomach ache, went to the bathroom, blacked out on the way in, woke up ten minutes later on a toilet (arm IN the toilet water) face hurting, and threw up a minute later. then i later realized i had bruises all over my body: side of the face, forehead, ribs, & hip bone. not to mention, i didn't get into the major i applied for and i'm stressed out about my classes. and i've kinda lost touch with god. then there's the relationship troubles thrown in. stress with roommates. trying to keep my pig sty of a house clean, staying healthy. staying on top of homework, etc. i'm just really stressed. also, i think i have a slight eating disorder. i mean not really. but i'm lazy & don't work out, i have gained weight in a couple places i don't want to, i eat differently to try and balance that out. probably the worst idea ever but i'm trying so hard to balance living on my own and all the stress involved with that and i feel so alone without my family, especially my mom. i never really realized how dependent i was on my family until this year. oh & one more thing: money is stressing me out SOOOOOO much. I really really really really need a job. that's definitely stressing me out a TON. i want a job but i'm nervous that i won't be able to stay on top of everything i want & need to...

i feel like literally everything around me is working against me. very little seems to be going right and all i'm getting out of these situations is that: 1) i can't really on anyone for anything, they will let me down or piss me off; 2)if i become a person who talks to no one, i won't have to stress about getting upset over certain things; 3) i hate school and feel like i don't belong here; 4) everything is a let down in life; 5) i'm the only one who will ever do anything good for ME.

so what's the point.

all that's keeping me positive is some Taylor Swift, but there's some pretty freakin' depressing songs in her new album....

i'm just at a point where i have no idea what to do. i've become very emotional lately. sucks.

what i am supposed to do when every situation i encounter pushes me back 2 steps.

i don't seem to be moving forward. at all

mother f.

help.

wow.

i have so much to say about this week that i definitely should not write down.

so all i'm gonna say is, what else could go wrong? like really though...

damn.

frustrated & confused.

so here's the deal. plans can change in a matter of seconds without a moment's notice. so when i found out my application for PR/Ad was due 2 1/2 weeks earlier than i thought, i was definitely freaking out. but, i mustered all my strength and wit and advertising knowledge and dropped everything to pull together the application that the rest of my college career depends on. and luckily everyone was very supportive of me. or so i thought...

sometimes plans change. people do other stuff and can't always be with others 24/7 no matter what the relationship. i'm the kind of person who won't freak out if plans change, unless it's like a big things that i was really looking forward to. but even so, i usually am upset for a short while and then i move on. real quick. i get over stuff fairly quickly, at least the little things. yes, big stuff bugs me. so what. that's not my fault. it's just the way God made me. i am okay with change, i try not to hold grudges, i'm fairly good at letting things go. that's who i am. so when other people aren't like that, it confuses me. i mean i'm certainly accepting of how they react towards something but when someone can be a hypocrite all the time about something and then come back and blame me for something, that's when i get pissed.

the only people i'm okay with getting mad at me about this kind of thing is my family. i don't like letting people down, at all, so i've become a fairly indecisive person to give way to someone else's ideas or plans. i'm a people pleaser, i go with the flow. i certainly have my own ideas about things and i am in NO way a pushover, trust me, but i like to see people happy when they plan stuff. i don't like conflict, unless necessary. i don't like fighting with friends because friends aren't always going to be there. so when i get pushed around, i'm gonna react. if something bugs me, a lot of times i won't say anything to the person who is bugging me because there's no point in arguing over something i know i'm going to be over in a short while. i just like to let things blow over most of the time. but. when i do want to talk about things, i have the hardest time doing it face to face.

i don't know why but ideas tend to come easier to me when i right them down. when i try to talk to someone about something important, i feel like i just have too many things to say and i can't organize all my thoughts and then i just always miss out on what i really want to say because i forget. i'm a very unorganized person in my head. that's why i like writing, because i can organize everything i'm thinking into something that actually makes sense. altho i can't always get everything out, and i tend to till forget stuff, it just sounds better when i'm able to organize it better. i don't like seeming like a bumbling idiot when i'm trying to get a point across, but that is exactly what happens when someone asks to talk face to face, or not let me write my thoughts down. it's not that i don't want to talk face to face, i can't. i'm embarrassed cuz i feel like i just can't get it right, ever. i don't like the feeling of being out of control and that's how i feel when i try and talk about something important, especially when i'm upset because that just magnifies things a hundred times worse... and yet, in spite of all this, i still do it. to please people.

so those are my thoughts, although i probably still forgot something. =P

.:mackenzie

maturity.

seeing as i'm in my second year of college, i'd say i'm fairly well versed in the habits of college students, older and younger than me. and being the people watcher that i am boy do i always have lots to say about my fellow peers.

first of i'd like to say how much more grateful i've become have the upbringing i did. i grew up in a normal home with a fairly normal, or so i thought. but i mean that in a completely good way. as i get older i realize how amazing my parents are and how they raised me to be the person i am today. and i'm especially grateful about the schooling i received. yes, i hated it while i was there but king's prepared me for so much and i'd even venture to say i was put in the higher half of the population of smartness measurement because of them. as the months of college go by, i realize how mature and prepared i am for a lot of things, more so than other students. don't get me wrong, i don't mean this in a cruel, i'm-better-than-you, egotistical way it may come off. i'm simply saying i'm grateful for the things i've gone through in life because i feel that everything i've experienced has thoroughly prepared me for the present and future.

some people... i just don't even know where to start. but to put it simply. not everyone is as mature or can deal with certain situations as much you probably should be as a young adult, approaching the completely legal age... it's just upsetting i guess to see people, or friends be stupid about stuff.... whatever. i'm probably just over reacting.

good start. better finish.

so far this year is getting off to a great start. okay, yes it's already almost 2 months into the semester, so not exactly "just started" but whatever. writing this now just means i have been SUPER busy. which means good things. basically. i'm loving sophomore year so far :) yes it's had it's ups and downs but so far i'm really happy. i like all my classes (except business. ew.) and i'm even doing pretty well in all of them! good grades = happy kenzie, happy parents, happy professors, and basically an all over happy experience.

i've been keeping really busy with homework, and the exceptional tweet. ok that's a lie... i spend WAYY too much time on twitter, but so what?! it's freakin amazing! and overly-addicting. but i love it. i cannot count how much interesting, worthwhile and fantastic information i get from this tiny little social media tool. just yesterday i found out the Alexa Vega, that's Carmen from Spy Kids to you, got MARRIED. let me just first throw in a WTF. she looks 12!!! okay... i'll give her 16. but honestly.. anyways. i have also recently started following as many tweeting food trucks in the area after my recent trip to the kogi bbq truck. long story short. the food is UH-mayyzing. go if you've got the chance!! (@kogibbq on twitter). another recent finding actually happened today, apparently the 101 was blocked sometime this afternoon after a band tried to pull some publicity stunt by stopping their band in the middle of the traffic-filled freeway and playing an impromptu (i'm sure it was planned) concert. they were arrested fyi. don't try that on the freeway kids. let alone lunchtime traffic... but hey, it definitely got their name out! and last but not least, i see the occasional celeb sighting straight from D-Land. hopefully somday soon i will receive this information and be able to go stalk a celebrity, meet them, let them know i'm a singer, be hooked up with their agent, sign a record deal, and become an overnight celebrity. i mean... why would you NOT join twitter?! check out all the possibilities people!

well anyways. that's my twitter rave for the day (yes only for the day).

just a quick little ditty before i sign off to continue with my "homework" (aka procrastination and NOT homework) I have recieved two large A's on recent projects in different classes and I am very proud of myself! woohoo! fab start to the semester..

anyways. life is really and truly good right now. been doing lots with gamma phi, getting to know the new girls, HOPEFULLY being elected for an officer position, and all kinds of things. CRUSH on saturday! pics will be posted. i'm also a leader in fca (fellowship of christian athletes) and have been singing and doing some stuff with that. and i also have a boyfriend and things are going really well :) life's just really good right now. i'm in a good place. the one and only thing i think could improve is my relationship with God. i need to up my church attendance, read more verses and really start holding myself accountable. a couple years ago, someone gave me some advice about college, one things was "if you're too tired/hungover/whatever, to go to church, then you need to chill and get yourself back on track" or something along the lines of that. anyways, i do need to take a small step backward. my heart is in the right place i just need to really focus on what's important to me in the long run. ALSO, been working on music lately. i'd like to get more songs written/finished/etc, but on a positive note, my guitar playing is improving! :) so that's good.

anyways. hoping to continue and finish this semester with fabulous grades and an even better mindset than ever. wish me luck!

alright. well that's all for now folks. thanks for reading.

.:mackenzie jill

mistakes.

The past year, I've experienced quite a few mistakes. I'm not just talking about my own screw ups though, this includes the mistakes of others.

I've watched so many friends, family members and more screw up to the max and most of the time all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch them royally screw with their own lives, most of the time unknowingly. I sit by and I can do nothing. Don't even think you have any room to judge though. It's not like I haven't, don't, try to help, but no one listens. I am a helper and a fixer and usually when I see someone in need, I try to help. But sometimes there just comes a point where if the person themselves can't recognize their own insecurities, jealousies, anger, frustrations, ignorance, naïvity, then I can't do anything. I honestly feel that so many things in life could be fixed very easily if people put down their walls of insecurity and realized their own problems. Ignorance, unless at a young age, is not bliss. I can truly say that with conviction. I can't imagine how anyone in their life could be ignorant and still truly happy.

Well back to mistakes. I have always wished, and I know I'm not alone in saying this, that I could turn back time, and fix things that happened. As time goes on though, then I think back to things I thought I used to want to change and realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I, or someone I knew, hadn't screwed up or screwed me over, or if I hadn't screwed something up on my own. Honestly. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am a stronger, smarter, more confident person because of the things I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty screwed up, but ultimately the shit I went through helped build me up. I saw a quote one day that was along the lines of, "A brave person is not someone who can knock away the bricks being thrown at them, but instead it is someone who can use those bricks to build a foundation for their own success." And I hope when it comes down to it, that the bricks that have been thrown at me, and even the bricks I've thrown at myself will help me to become a better person, day after day.

There are only a few things in my life that I wish I could erase from my past, and that one night back in February is one of them. I wish things hadn't gotten that bad. I wish I could have found a better way to work things out. And I wish I could turn back time before that night, but I can't, and it happened... I do miss you. But for now, you will have to pay for your mistakes, and I will have to pay for mine. I just wish neither of us had to.

The process isn't easy, it takes time.

I continually hope for the best, and that's all I can do now. Hope that things will work out, no matter how they actually end up. Hope that in the end, it will work out for the best. Because right now, the way its looking, it's going to take a while to get things back to normal...

If they ever can.

choices.

Well. It's been quite a while since I last posted. I'm home for summer and missing my California life like crazy. Being home has made me realize so many things. And as time goes on, I wish I was back at school more and more.

I've realized something. The reason I like school and my life there so much is not because I'm 1,100 miles away from home and I can do whatever I want. It's not because I have no curfew. It's not because it's sunny in California and has been rainy here at home my entire first month of my so-called "summer." The reason I am so content with Chapman is because it was my choice.

For the first time in my life, I was able to make a major life decision. And luckily I made a good one. But really. I did it, on my own, no one else made that decision for me for once. I realized the reason my friends are so much closer to me is because I chose them also. In a way I guess they were meant for me. But basically I chose them when I chose Chapman.

Ever since I was little, my choices were made for me. My school, my camp, my food, my extra curriculars, and in a way, my friends. Had my parents not chosen my school, I wouldn't have become friends with the people at King's. By choosing Chapman, I paved the way for the friends I made, the life I am now living, and I'm so grateful for it. I already understand why people call it "the best years of your life" and I still have 3 more years to experience what college has to offer me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's had its fair share of downs in the up & down rollercoaster. But honestly I'm grateful for it all. Anything rough or shitty I've ever gone through has made me a stronger person, and once the smoke has cleared I've always made it through. All I ever need to do is pick myself off, dust myself off, tell myself I'm worth more than how I feel at that moment, and move on with a slightly damaged heart and move on toward the path of recovery, and positivity. No one ever gets anywhere in life being negative, and it may seem that negative people get further than you in life, but they aren't happy, so there's no way there anywhere near you.

I've learned a lot the past year, and I've been inspired by so many people and things. But life goes on and it's time for a new chapter of my ever-written book I get to call life.

For now, I will try to make the best of my situation and keep my head up.

checked out Mackenzie @Glee

checked out Mackenzie @Glee

TRY #2

so...... i posted the link & it didn't show up.......

so here it is..... again...

meonthego.shutterfly.com

:) try that.....

NEW!

SO i started a new-ish blog kinda thing.... it's a photojournal on Shutterfly. I really like it. cuz you can post pictures && post blogs. So, since no facebook (altho i've failed at not going on it) this is definitely the next best thing.

you can comment and whatevs so go visit it! :)

love,
kenzie :)

listening.

“LISTENING” refers to the act of hearing attentively; "you can learn a lot by just listening"; "they make good music--you should give them a hearing". Sound is vibration, as perceived by the sense of hearing, which as a phenomenon is called listening. Listening defines the domain of language proficiency that encompasses how students process, understand, interpret, and evaluate spoken language in a variety of situations. Hence, listening is an activity which the living creatures perform so as to decide what would be their next course of action in their lives."

"The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing."
Author Unknown

"There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves."
Albert Guinon

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
Wilson Mizner

Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
Dorothy Sarnoff

The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
Josh Billings

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf.
Native American

Man who know little say much. Man who know much say little.
Author Unknown

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway

It is the province of knowledge to speak And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.
Frank Tyger

Listen. Do not have an opinion while you listen because frankly, your opinion doesn't hold much water outside of Your Universe. Just listen. Listen until their brain has been twisted like a dripping towel and what they have to say is all over the floor.
Hugh Elliott

Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly.
Plutarch

From listening comes wisdom, and from speaking repentance.
Italian Proverb

And he goes through life, his mouth open, and his mind closed.
William Shakespeare

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.
Richard Moss

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway


Recently, this seems to come up a lot in my life. Whether personal experience, or in my acting class the other day. Listening to others is so important. It's the different between being a friend and being a good friend. And listening, really listening, will get anyone far in life. It's just sometimes hard for others to realize that.

Not to be cocky, but over the years I've become a great listener. I've realized that sometimes people just want to talk and be listened to... And a lot of the time I would rather listen to people for hours than say a word. But sometimes, it's nice to be able to talk and know the other person will listen without interruption, or actually seem to care what you have to say...

Whatever.......

I don't want things to be different. I want you to be you. I want to go back to where we were good. Its not different, its what we had. I don't want you to change, that is what went wrong, we both changed, we both went wrong. I don't want you to try so hard that its bugging you. Things are working out fine. So stop stressing, stop thinking that you're going to mess things up because that's what threw you last time. Honestly, right now just work on the present. Stop looking at the past and thinking about what you did wrong, stop looking at the present and wishing that you won't do wrong, work on the present. The right now. Because if you want to make sure stuff is good that's what's going to make it work. Don't rush. Find a balance between what you want and how you think things should be. Because if you focus on one or the other, it could hurt you. You need to balance your heart and your head. The saying goes "We'll cross that bridge when we get there." So, do exactly that, wait until the future to worry about doing things in the future. I mean ya you can try to avoid certain things from happening, but that still means focusing on the now. So seriously. Stop worrying. As we both found out it'll only screw you over in the end. Things are going really well right now. Don't let yourself syke yourself of thinking they aren't. :)

fatigue.

So recently, i've either experienced or seen kids all around just getting worn out to the core. i got an e-mail with my daily health tips and saw and article about avoiding fatigue. it sounded very intriguing, so i decided to sum it up in my own words and share it on here, because I really liked what they had to say. So here it is...

22 Ways to Avoid Fatigue (especially directed towards college freshmen/students) :)
1. Have breakfast even if you don’t feel hungry – You’ll be a lot perkier; feel better mentally & physically.
2. Eat every three to four hours – 3 smallish meals & 2 snacks will keep your blood sugar and energy levels stable all day
3. Fill up on more fiber – fiber has a time-releasing effect in carbs so they enter your bloodstream at a slow and steady pace, giving you more energy.
4. Fuel your brain with Omega-3s – fatty acids play a role in keeping brain cells healthy and helping you feel mentally alert
5. Stay hydrated – even mild dehydration can cause blood to thicken forcing the heart to pump harder, resulting in fatigue.
6. Watch caffeine intake after noon – consuming caffeine in the afternoon or evening can decrease the quality of your sleep, leaving you tired the next day
7. Splash some water on your face or take a shower when you’re feeling burned out – “water therapy” may increase energy, help take the edge off when you’re feeling overwhelmed
8. Suit up in a “power” outfit to beat out the blahs – avoid sweats, it helps to look in the mirror and see an energizing image, not a deflating one that confirms and reinforces your internal state; it will give you a mental boost every time you catch sight of your reflection (or receive a compliment)
9. Vent your feelings – discussing negative feelings with another person can ease them far better than keeping them bottled up, by airing them you reduce their ability to zap your stamina
10. Turn on some tunes – Listening to music is one of the most effective ways to change a bad mood, decrease tension, and increase energy.
11. Let go of grudges – Nursing a grudge prompt your mind and body to react as if they’re under chronic stress, increasing heart rate and blood pressure and resulting in an impaired immune system and exhaustion over time. “Forgiveness makes me a happier and stronger person”
12. Take belly breaths – as opposed to “chest breaths” short, shallow
13. De-clutter a corner – clutter can make you feel out of control and overwhelmed, especially when you’re already feeling stressed or down; accomplishing a goal, no matter how seemingly minor, can be energizing
14. Do some good – acts of kindness can put a little pep to your step; volunteering – enhances happiness, life satisfaction, self-esteem, sense of control over life, physical health, and mood
15. Cut back on TV and computer time after 8pm – Light suppresses the production of melatonin, a hormone secreted at sunset that tells you it’s time to sleep, when melatonin levels are low, your brain is fooled into thinking that it’s still daytime.
16. Hide your alarm clock – don’t watch how long it takes you to fall asleep
17. Give your pet his own sleeping space – don’t let the pet hog the bed, it will cause disrupted sleep; so basically, give yourself room
18. Lower the thermostat – your environment will be in sync with your body’s internal temperature which drops during the night; ideal: 54-75 degrees
19. Skip the nightcap – avoid drinking right before bed; alcohol has been shown to interfere with the body’s natural 24-hour biorhythms, causing blood pressure and heart rate to rise, when they’re normally calm and relaxed
20. Get your exercise – aerobic exercise has been proven to help you fall asleep better at bedtime, spend more hours in deep sleep, and wake up less often during the night
21. Follow the 15-minute rule - If you can't fall asleep, or if you wake up and can't get back to sleep within 15 min, get out of bed and do something relaxing that will help clear your head (reading, meditating, or knitting but no TV or computer). Once you feel sleepy again, go back to bed. If you stay put and fret about being awake, you'll only make yourself more anxious.
22. Write down your worries – During the day, jot down any stressors that are weighing you down, do some mental problem-solving right before going to sleep; just knowing you’ve established a plan for tackling your to-do’s will make you feel accomplished, allowing you to relax and drift off, ready to take on the next day

sick.

well!

i've been sick for wayyyyyy too long. and it's put me in such a bad mood lately... i hate it :(

it makes me homesick, aggravates my stress levels, and makes me so worn out.
and it's not good to have any of this when i'm 2,000 miles away from home & my mom, have 7 classes a week, and can't just put everything on hold to heal myself...

this sickness could not come at a worse time in my life. it sucks so bad. i want home. i want my mom. i want to be better.

awesome.

gimmicks.

has anyone else realized how many gimmicks, scams, "contests", and crap that are thrown at us everyday? you open your e-mail and you have 20 e-mails on how you can win a $500 gift card, or win a free iPod or laptop. on facebook you have a billion different ads advertising free products left and right. what all these "free" contests fail to tell you is there's a catch, there's always some sort of ploy that will make you sign up for some free trial, or make you text some random thing, and then the companies go and steal your information, and it just spirals into a continuation of lies. what i'm getting at is how there are so many things in life that have a catch. no matter what, you're almost always guaranteed a problem when something seems to be too good to be true.

and yes, i'm comparing this not only to e-mails, or facebook, but everyday, real life. everything you go through, each thing you face that seems to good to be true, usually is exactly that, too good to be true. there always seems to be some sort of catch in whatever we go through. you get good grades in a high school, but then comes college. you do well on a sports team, and then you break your ankle and you're out for the season. you find something you like, or love, and it always seems to get ruined somehow.

okay, maybe i'm just pulling out the whole whiny act, but really, i'm just saying how i feel and what i've experienced. everything good that i find somehow is ruined, or i find a catch. nothing so far is truly good. and i'm just sick of it. why can't i be happy for some period of time. something i always wrong, no matter what...

it just begins to wear you down after a while. after the same things keep happening over & over. i recently heard the definition of "insane" doing the same thing over & over again, but expecting different results each time. i really and truly feel insane if that's what it means then. so, obviously, based on this definition, i am insane. because i keep doing the same thing and hoping for something to change each time, but instead i end up the same. hurt. and yes, i get over it, but only after a while, or after i begin my next pursuit. so maybe i need to change my ways and move on from what i keep doing. but how exactly am i supposed to do that? i have no clue. because it's just my every day life that i'm trying to live. it's like i'm attempting at some ridiculous feat, or something virtually impossible.

it's everyday normal shit. so what am i doing wrong?

why is nothing working...

i'm just so tired of being wrong all the time.

the yes girl..

im getting mixed feelings from you world

some people say, ignore what you hear, ignore what they tell you, well at least the negative stuff. go pursue your dreams, whatever they are.

so what then, is it true that i can get whatever i want if i work hard at it? honestly i would love to say yes, but its not true. yes, if i work hard enough ill get a lot of what i want, but not everything is obtainable.

i think of it this way, God wants to protect us from whatever is harmful to us. like in the garden of eden. we are so much like adam and eve. we have so much going for us, so much at our disposal, so much that we are given, surrounding us, in abundance. yet, all we see is that one burden, obstacle, that One thing we cant have, and we let it tear us down. we let it tempt us to try and overcome it. we see it as a challenge, when in reality, the reason we sometimes see it as unobtainable is because god is trying to protect us simply from what can damage and destroy us. but i guess thats human nature. another kind of quote i keep thinking of is from the rockharbor "sex, love, and God" event i went to. the guy was talking and said "instead of focusing on all the 'yesses' you are given, we focus on the one 'no'"...

so. here’s the plan. focus on what i CAN have instead of what i cannot. i have been given talents, i have been given opportunity, i have been given loving family and amazing friends that i know i wouldn't be anywhere without, i have been given so much in my life. so instead of taking it all for granted and pouting about what i cant do, lets continue on with what i can. try my hardest in what i know i can do, and ignore the stupd thoughts reminding me of what i cant, because that only breaks me down

so here’s to a new start, a new beginning, a new view on life.

im done with self tearing down. im done with telling myself i cant. im done. because im the one person who will always tell myself yes.

so...

yes, i can be a singer.

yes, i can get good grades.

yes, i can have a better workout mindset.

yes, i can look at life with a positive mindset.

yes, i deserve happiness.

yes, i will find the perfect guy for me eventually.

yes, I am beautiful…

Let’s do this.
Got my game face on.
Bring it.

good times.

It's times like these that make me so grateful of the good happy times I have had with people I love. times when I'm sick and sitting in bed bored out of my mind but not able to fall asleep that I think of the fun times I've had and fun times I will have. I always have to remember that I should never take for granted the time I spend with people I love.

I'm so blessed in my life, and I need to be constantly reminded of that. Yes, I've gone through some down-right shitty things, but that's only in my opinion, and only at the time that I'm going through it. Because after the fact, basically after I've gotten over myself, I realize how much worse off people are. There are children losing parents, losing legs, dying of sickness, people getting shot, losing their income and houses, losing hope and heart, and there I was, crying over a break-up.

I feel so selfish when I go through these kind of things and whine about it, but sometimes you have to be. I'm not justifying my self-pity but I'm not denying it. Sometimes in order to heal yourself, you need to take time for yourself. However much time that is, you'll know. You'll know when things are fixed, or better, or you'll know when you need more time, more space. Whatever it is, you'll know.

I guess when I have time to think, I usually take time to put things in perspective. Yes, sometimes I just take some time to whine to myself, and pity myself. But when the dust has cleared it just makes me realize that tomorrow is still going to come. You can whine as much as you want, but it's going to happen. It's your choice to make that day good or bad. You have the option of staying positive and keeping yourself out of a rut. No matter what people say you have the ability to ignore the bad stuff and let yourself be who you want to be. I mean, certainly it's easier said than done, and I'm the last one to take my own advice. But really, if I just stepped back and looked at everything, I'd realize how much better off I'd be if I chose to make things better for myself.

Of course I can let people dictate my own future, but I have so much more power than them when it comes to me. I know me. I know who I am, how I act, what I like and don't like, how I react to things, and what motivates me. So why not take the power out of someone else's hands and give that power back to myself.

I can choose to be happy or sad. So why would I choose sad...

baby steps.

So things are starting to look up right now.

Everything that I’ve been complaining about, or at least stressing about in my life, seems to be getting better.

First of all, the ex and I are on good terms. I had to help him all day cuz he was really sick. And although last night we had a long talk about how its gonna be hard, and tears were shed, I can tell things are gonna be good. I think we’re just better as friends. It’s gonna be hard still, mostly for him, to treat this as just a friendship, but I think, or at least hope that it will work out. After hanging out with him for several hours yesterday I realized I like being his friend more than anything.

It's not going to get better or back to normal instantly, just baby steps.

Then, there’s the issue of my involvement in school activities. Whether that was with Gamma Phi, or just school stuff in general. I’ve been feeling really detached from everything and it was getting really hard to see the point of being all the way out here, away from my friends and family and my whole life back in Seattle. I felt super detached, mostly Gamma Phi, and being to doubt whether or not it is all worth it; being at school, or in Gamma Phi or whatever. But now, things are looking up. I’m getting more involved with G-Phi, and even with school stuff. Well, at least with FCA, which is a cool group and I can tell it’ll be a good thing for me to be involved with. It’ll be kind of like a youth group, and definitely something I need. And I might be joining to worship team, or leadership team, which would be cool (either of those). So that’s really fun.

But it's not an instant change, just baby steps.

Which brings me to my next positive; Lent. I’ve decided to give up facebook and soda for Lent. And both are going to be hard, I know. But I’m still going to do it. Facebook is a no-brainer on why I’m giving it up for Lent. Kalie put it best when she said, “How many times a day do you just have random free time and instead of going to God, or reading the Bible, you go to facebook and just waste time.” SO ya. I’m hoping to change that “time-wasting” into God-time, or Bible-time, or even homework time because I’m planning on good grades this semester. But just to sum it up, I'm giving up facebook because it's a time-waster in my life & not a necessary thing. And then there’s soda. The reason I’m giving it up is because, one, it’s not good for me, and two, because, although I’m not giving up caffeine entirely, I depend on soda to give me caffeine (aka energy) during the day. When, if i just opened up the Bible, or threw up a little shout-out prayer to God, I could get that energy I need from him. So we’ll see how this works out. Although I certainly have my coffee/some caffeine, I know soda will be a good thing for me. Because after it’s done, it’s going to be something that I’ll hopefully be able to stick to, and not just do it for 40 days and give up. I want to turn it into a long term commitment.

It starts with baby steps.

So there ya go, a little catch up on my day-to-day life.
Things are going pretty well. compared to the last few weeks.
I’m happier, I’m more relaxed, and I’m more optimistic about the future and just stuff going on in my life in general.
And I hope it stays this way because I'm liking it.
Liking it so much more than the stress and pain I felt the last several weeks, because it was breaking me down slowly.

So yep. I'm definitely going to start keeping up with this blog more now that I don't have facebook.
I have another blog, but that's turned into more of a diary/rant page for me. And I don't really want other people reading it, even thought part of me does.

So there ya go!

Peace!

Love, Kenzie :)